Today, it has been one year since this happened. The second event in my string of “back luck Q3-Q4 2014.”
A few weeks ago I realized this date was coming up and it was both dumbfounding and, honestly, emotional. Much like I was around my birthday, the ghosts of last year, haunt me just a bit. The feelings of sadness, fear and anger that years of work were coming to an unfair end, seem to loom just a bit outside of me, where I can’t see them but feel them. I don’t know if that makes any sense, but I guess that’s the best way I can describe it.
Last year on this day, I told friends my sad news, and went from saying, “hey I’m doing okay!” to feeling total despair, where at one point, I had to hang up on one friend who called, because I was going to start to cry. I also drank two bottles of red wine and ate my weight in cheese, specifically blue cheese. Blue cheese makes everything better. Actually, any cheese does.
So rather than recreate that, this evening I’ll be out with friends, drinking cocktails and celebrating surviving a year from that day, and all the ups, downs, tears, laughter and moments of pure joy that slipped through. And toasting what lies ahead, which doesn’t feel as scary as it did one year ago.
And in closing, I wanted to share a passage from Mindy Kaling’s new book, “Why Not Me,” because my spirit animal had something happen to her that I could very much relate to.
The premise at this part in the book is, Mindy has developed the premise and basically, the pilot for her show, The Mindy Project and pitched it to NBC (where she was also starring in The Office.) But NBC passed and now her dream of having a show on the network of Must-See TV was done.
Let us bask in her genius:
“It’s weird when you feel your dream slipping away from you. Especially when you have no other dreams. I was surprised that my overwhelming feeling was not sadness; it was terror. What on ear am I going to do now? I thought…I had reached the level of self-obsessed insanity at which point no reasonable person would ever feel sorry for me. But sometimes, in life, or at least in driver’s ed, the best advice is to ‘steer in to the curve.’ It was from this terror that I got an idea…I was so excited, and I was really scared. I no longer worked at The Office. I was going to have a new office.”
So, not exactly apples to apples but pretty close. What she said about fear and terror and self-realization of what you had been investing your time in, did resonate with me and my situation, so I thought I would share.
And now, cocktails.
So rather than eat a brick of blue cheese and suck down two bottles of red wine, feeling like a total fucking failure, I’ll be out with friends having cocktails and toasting whatever lies ahead, which doesn’t feel as scary as it did then.