By: Jessica B.
Once you set up a Facebook profile, you go through a variety of emotions:
- Acceptance, yes, you have a Facebook account now. You’re not left out in the cold
- Shock, OMG friend requests from people I knew in high school and that guy I fooled around with for one night in college?
- Joy, yes! I am more successful, prettier, etc. than people who were mean to me in high school
- Stalker, hmmm John didn’t call me back last night, let’s check his Wall and see what he’s been up to? Was he really “away from his phone?”
- Old
That’s right, I said it. I’m at the stage where Facebook makes me feel old.
Sadly, I’m passed the shock and joy phase, I’ve moved through those emotions and have now settled on the “old” stage of Facebook. Of the many Facebook acceptance levels, I really hope “old” is the last one.
I hit this stage when I checked my e-mail a few weeks ago and received the following “friend” notification.
“Jessica, Grace [last name] has added you as a friend on Facebook.”
Grace is my 13 year old goddaughter/cousin. Immediately I thought it was a joke, and that a pedophile was pretending to be my goddaughter so he could talk dirty to me on Facebook chat and spam me.
To my displeasure, I was wrong. It was my goddaughter trying to friend me.
Once I accepted her request, I checked out her profile. And let me say, the girl is gorgeous, which I already knew. Five foot seven inches tall and all legs (bitch).
I am about to leave a note on her Wall when suddenly I see her status as “in a relationship.”
IN A RELATIONSHIP??? WTF did I miss? She’s 13 and has a boyfriend??? If she has a boyfriend, have they been necking or god…touching???
To see if my worst fears were true, I lovingly wrote on her Wall, while having a near heart attack:
“You have a boyfriend?? How old is he? Did you run a background check? Does he have good credit? DOES YOUR FATHER KNOW??” (I know my Uncle wouldn’t take too kindly to a boy around his pre-pubescent daughter).
And as I hit “send” I realized, OMG I sound just like MY parents.
That was a tough realization.
While cowering in the reality that I am just like my parents and that I said a “parent-like” thing to my goddaughter, I came into work the next day and got another friend request.
“Jessica, Hannah [insert last name] has added you as a friend on Facebook.”
Sitting at my desk, blinking disbelievingly at my screen I muttered, “motherf*cker” because my other 13 year old cousin was now friending me on Facebook. Was this a conspiracy to drive me crazy?
So I check out her profile and see a picture of her weighed down my heavy eyeliner, blue eyeshadow and mascara along with several revealing outfits that are way too small for her. Let’s just say this, bosoms were heaving.
And when I saw her status as “in a relationship” I thought for a minute before I wrote on her Wall. What would I say to her that wouldn’t make me sound like a fuddy duddy? My goddaughter felt the wrath of my adult rage, would I make another one feel the same thing? Well, I do like my goddaughter more than this cousin, so maybe I don’t have to worry.
After a few moments of thought, I wrote out quickly, “like your profile pic, just remember, don’t hand out the milk for free.”
And hit “send.”
Has anyone else had friend requests on Facebook that make them panic or groan? Or who do you hope NEVER finds you on Facebook?
