10 August 2009

More online dating FAILs

By: Jessica B.

I love talking to people who are also online dating because the stories we share are a) hilarious b) totally true and c) shocking, usually at the same time.

I’ve been on Match now for a few months and overall it’s been a pretty good experience. While Dayton is now totally out of the picture (I don’t think that’s a real shock), JohnBoy has entered the picture and I think he’ll be staying around for a while.
But I’m shocked by the balls of some of the Match.com guys because really, some just reinforce why they’re single. Honestly.
Here are two recent examples…
Puxatawney Phil
Phil lives in the Chicago suburbs and works in finance. He also has a little bit of a short temper and lack of finesse in communicating with women.
Why do you ask? Please let me explain.
Awhile ago, Phil and I winked at each other through Match and I was waiting for a first e-mail from him, because, well he initiated that communication so that makes sense.
Anyhow, when I was sending out “no thanks” messages to some guys, Phil accidentally received one, unbeknownst to me, because of an interweb/Match glitch. So Phil e-mails me asking if that message was sent in error because, well he was hoping it was a mistake. I received this message at work and couldn’t respond right away but made the note to clarify that with him later that night.
But I got sidetracked again and forgot to do so, unfortunately, Phil didn’t forget that he had asked me earlier if this was a mistake and sent me another message (not even 24 hours after his first one) that said, and I kid you not:
“I asked you a question.”
OH SNAP. It’s on b*tch.
Having a momentary Rage Girl episode, I respond to Phil right away with the following e-mail:
“Hi Phil, actually that ‘no thanks’ message was sent in error. I did get your earlier email and I’m sorry I could placate and coddle you in a more timely manner so you could feel better about yourself because the Match wasn’t officially closed. I guess I got busy…at my job…where I work during the day. But if you can apologize, check the bitchy attitude at the door and try again, I’ll see if I’m willing to give you another chance. Otherwise that ‘no thanks’ message will be for real.”
I hate being this kind of bitchy to guys but seriously, WTF? WTF?
Having options:
Awhile ago I winked at this guy who was a little younger than I was looking for my guy to be, but was willing to give it a shot. Didn’t hear from him for about a month. Not a huge deal.
Then I come home one night and he’s emailed me the following:
“Hi I’m [insert name], the half-shirtless wonder! Your wicked gorgeous smile is a heart throbber. I would like to present you with four nice options:
  • We can exchange not more than 3 detailed e-mails before meeting up or…
  • We can exchange numbers and have 30 minutes of sparkling ear to ear conversation or…
  • We can go on a nice date or…
  • You tell me to go screw myself and stop writing you or you’re calling the cops
Options may be combined. Discuss.”
Seriously I laughed so hard out loud that I nearly had to sit down. Witty, yes, clever, yes but he lost me somewhere around the shirtless wonder and the use of the word “heart throbber.”
But I do have to say, a girl likes options.
So how would you have responded to these situations/e-mail conversations?


  1. MinD says:

    Those are both awkward and hilarious at the same time. I don’t know how I would’ve responded whatsoever to the second one. I would’ve been stuck somewhere in between questioning if he was joking or serious and turned off by the “shirtless wonder” commentary.

  2. blaez says:

    i probably would have ignored the 1st guy and told the 2nd guy to we’d go from option 1 to option 2 then try option 3 and hope that he doesn’t fall under option 4 ;)

  3. Rebecca_C says:

    How exactly can one be “half-shirtless”? I’ve heard of half-naked and I’ve heard of shirtless. But “half-shirtless”? Was he wearing one of those mesh, football jersey crop tops?

  4. ceecee says:

    HA!! I would have turned ghetto on Phil’s @$$. Oh yeah, Christina doesn’t hold back, I tell you what. HA!

    “INSERT NAME HERE” was pretty clever…what are your thoughts on him, aside from the fact that his message was funny and clever. Are you up for meeting/talking with him?

  5. the phil email you sent just caused me to HIGH FIVE my laptop, best email ever. did he respond?

  6. wow, you have some great stories about online dating! i’ve never done it, but my best friend has just signed up and she already has some good ones and hasn’t even gone on a date yet!

  7. E.P. says:

    That Phil guy kind of makes my head hurt. A lot. Never, EVER would I think to send an e-mail like that to a potential match. Good for you for putting him in his place with it!

    Please tell me he wrote back?!

  8. katelin says:

    okay one i love your response to phil, that’s hilarious. man has no patience. and um gotta give the second guy some credit that email’s pretty funny. but yeah i don’t know that i’d know what to respond either. oh funny guys.

  9. Nora says:

    Wow. The last guy surely would have had me laughing but I probably would have questioned him on the shirtless wonder in some witty fashion, just to put him in his place =)

    My days of online dating were quite amusing!

  10. Kara says:

    I kind of like the last guy, although the shirtless wonder thing does make you…well wonder.

  11. Pam says:

    My brother tired Match.com and found his now fiance. So it can happen. Go you for telling off that douche bag. But the second guy sounds sweet and funny. I say combine some options! Lol! Love the desgin.

  12. Miss Grace says:

    I’ve recently learned that I have a visceral hatred for online dating. Which is interesting when so many of my FRIENDS are from the internet and blogging and such.

  13. haha LOVE what you said to phil in the email. you definitely “checked him, boo.”

    p.s. that last sentence is a reference to the real housewives of atlanta. it’s my new favorite saying and I try to interject in (almost) every possible conversation.

    p.p.s. I’m sorry for the above p.s.

    p.p.p.s. I AM A DORK.

  14. Rebekah says:

    I have no online dating stories. I attract enough whackjobs in real life that I’ve stayed away. I’m living vicariously through you and your interweb-bitchslapping of Phil :o)

  15. High-heelgal says:

    I LOVE your response to that D-bag, Phil. The nerve of some of the guys on match is outrageous! Perhaps they feel they have the right to be more bold because they don’t really know who they are emailing, aside from a few pictures and a paragraph about “Who we’re looking for.”

    I did Match for years…on and off. I did finally meet an amazing guy, who I’ve been dating for 4.5 months now. But seriously, all my dating disaster stories come from Match dudes!

    Good Luck with JohnBoy!

  16. Ashley says:

    I think you response to Phil was completely appropriate. What a d-bag!

    While the “half-shirtless wonder” was humorous, I actually cringed at that. It made me picture a guy with a mullet wearing a cut-off T-shirt and a cape waving in the
    wind. Not pretty!

    Good luck! I’d like to hear more about JohnBoy.

  17. SoMi's Nilsa says:

    In the years I used Match, I found a lot of guys who were assholes … guys who expected to hear response asap and got hostile when they didn’t hear back within minutes (like that Phil character). I found the same guys usually were ripe for a fight if I responded with words like yours. So, if I ever got emails like that, I’d just ignore them. It’s not worth the effort it will take to explain yourself and, quite frankly, they don’t deserve the explanation.

  18. jenn says:

    i love love love the second guy. i picture him making a finger gun at you and winking while he said that. how did you respond back?? also – how does a conversation sparkle? i think that’s a valid point you might make to him. i think your response to phil was priceless. some people just have absolutely no tact!

  19. Ray says:

    There needs to be a “throw drink in face” option on Match for people like Phil!

  20. b. says:

    love reading your blog.

    i met my husband online.

  21. Paula says:

    I’d probably have ignored them both. Mainly because while the idea of online dating sounds appealing, the minute i actually get an email frome someone I freak out and don’t want to answer.

    Which is possibly why online dating isn’t an option for me.

    I kinda liked the sound of the second guy though. Is that wrong???

  22. Cheryl says:

    The second guy sounds AWESOME. Did you go out on a date with him? Because if you haven’t yet, you should. I mean, after you’ve verified that he’s not some psycho stalker weirdo first, of course.

  23. Angela says:

    I had two similar (kind of) experiences with Match. Alex is still in the picture. We’re going on our (last) date tomorrow. Which is sad because I’ll be going back to school next week, and I don’t want us to stop dating. That’s a conversation we’ll have to have tomorrow…. and I’ll let you know how it goes.

    ANYWAY, my other two experiences.

    One was from a guy who was WAAY too pushy and I guess he must have paid for the “read email notification” option. He winked at me but I wasn’t interested. Then he emailed me and I plain didn’t respond. Then he emailed me again the next day, with still no response. The third day I received another email from him which was really rude, calling me a bitch, and saying it was my loss for not being interested in him. After that, I blocked his profile from being able to contact me and I reported him to Match.

    The other story is about the first guy that I winked at. Totally hot, totally my type, but still seeme like a reasonably nice guy. Anyway, we emailed back and forth for a week or two, I asked for his number, and then we texted back and forth for another few weeks. He would be overly flirtacious and pushed the sexual innuendo limits pretty far, but I tried to ignore that and still thought I’d like to meet him. We set up a date for dinner, and the day before, he told me he couldn’t make it but still wanted to meet my “cute butt” (yes, that’s what he said). Well, since it had been nearly two months of emailing/texting, I figured he just wasn’t that into me. I’ve been jerked around before and I’m trying to stay true to myself and not let that happen again. I told him so and I guess he really WASN’T that into me because he didn’t apologize and didn’t try to make it up to me.

    But that’s okay because Alex turned out to be a diamond in the rough. I really wasn’t expecting to find someone that I actually LIKED on Match. I kind of went into it with the mindset that I’d meet someone to date for awhile, but really have it go nowhere. But this guy? I kind of want to see where it DOES lead. So Match.com gets my approval!

  24. Marie says:

    Hi, I just linked you in my post. Hope this is OK and thought you’d like to know… :)


  25. Jenn says:

    DUDE. The next time Dry Humper texts me (which he’s been doing a bit of lately) I’m deferring to your skills because I totally don’t have the balls to put him in his place like you did to Phil. BRILLIANT and I love you.

    Send the half-shirtless wonder my way. I’ll show him options. (I can’t decide if I meant for that to sound dirty and creepy or not… Just go with it.)

  26. omg… I did Match for awhile and some guys just.dont.get.it. Period. I had this one guy wink at me a bunch of times and finally I had to send the ‘No Thanks’ message (which I normally don’t use, but this guy was ridiculous!) and I checked ‘unattracted’. He actually emailed me back! Saying how I was rude and missing out on a good thing just because I couldn’t look past the physical. Um… last time I checked, you need to at least be somewhat attracted (or potential attraction) to someone if you’re gonna date them.

    So that’s my funniest story from Match. Other guys were just lame and a) didn’t know how to communicate or b) the dates just sucked for no real reason other than just a bad connection.

    keep the stories coming though! I like the witty guy already!

  27. Ashley says:

    There are plenty of online dating stories going around right now, but I have to say that this post is one of the best so far. I love when life is entertaining and true! Phil so deserved that response and the half-shirtless wonder, well I’d probably message him just to see what happens (could be fun).

  28. Marie says:

    Those are great. I would have probably ignored Guy #1, however, I would have wanted to say what you said so Bravo. Some guys can get creative but for me the line between creative and uhhh “interesting” is very thin.

    Glad you are having success with Match. Me not so much but who knows what will happen.

  29. April says:

    OK, WAY to go on giving Phil a back-handed b*tch-slap. Bravo! Hate guys that are like that!

    Also, the shirtless wonder guy is hysterical. Awesome… I would want to be friends with him just to see what other gems he has to throw out there!!

    I don’t understand how someone can be “half-shirtless” though?

  30. mandy says:

    This is hilarious. I really admire you for putting yourself out there like this. The first guy deserved that response!

  31. Lil' Woman says:

    That first guy sounds like a dick but the second dude, tho corny sounded kinda interesting! :)

  32. Maki says:

    Ooooo I really like the half-shirtless wonder!! His options, especially #4 was too funny! :D Very witty guy – i like i like! But you’re right, “heart throbber” kind of did it.

    I’ve never been online dating site, however, I’ve helped my BFF’s countless time with Match and eHarmony. I guess, when you click, you’ll know what to do, yes? Phil guys is a bit too insecure for a guy, I assume.. Can’t wait to hear more about JohBoy! :)

  33. moonjava says:

    Lol, ugh…definitely too pushy. He’d be one of those that I ignore wholeheartedly.

    Second one, funny, and clever…however doesn’t sound like he’d be my type! :P

    I’ve been debating about the whole online dating thing…but really haven’t gotten up the nerve to try it…the whole idea about putting up your picture for all to see is a little intimidating for a private person like myself.

  34. I swear everyone is online dating! I guess I’m old fashioned. As for your options, Phil sounds like a headcase, and that other guy was funny except for the heart throbber….lol.

  35. The same half-shirtless wonder emailed me. The exact.same.thing.

    That’s me…the party ruin-er

  36. Maggie says:

    1. Phil totally deserved your response. umm overly eager much? I probably would’ve said something along the same lines.

    2. while I admire the “half shirtless” wonder’s humor I probably would’ve been like um…not so much. I’ll take a pass on that sparkling ear to ear conversation. but hey, i’m sure there’s a girl out there who would enjoy his…charming..words. haha

  37. deutlich says:

    dude. I LOVE the way you said that to what’s-his-face Phil.

    I also LOVE LOVE LOVE the new design!!!!!!!!!! LOVE!