30 August 2009

Some strongly worded letters

By: Jessica B.

Happy Sunday! Wooo! Well last Sunday was my big birthday and rather than bore you with tales of week-after birthday shopping all day Saturday with TC (who is a major enabler), it’s letter-time.

I had several bees in my bonnet this week that I’d like to put out there on the interwebs. So here we go!

Chicago Transit Authority bus riders -

Please shower. Seriously, I’m tired of sitting next to people  in the morning who don’t bathe regularly. I don’t want that stink on me! It makes my commute to work just awful because I have to breathe through my mouth. I know the commute sucks and I hate getting up earlier but trust me, even a two minute shower is going to feel great!

Or if you have a regular state cigarettes or whiskey scent on you, please, Febreeze before you go. I promise to say thank you.

Love, Fellow bus rider who DOES shower daily

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Chicago women -

I know it’s cool for the end of August, but when it’s still 60-70 degrees outside, there is NO reason to wear Uggs. Save them for when we really need it, when it’s 30 degrees or below.

Don’t worry, that time is sadly coming faster than we want.

Love, A practical Uggs fan

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Banana Republic -

I still love you and give you lots of money (hello were you there on Saturday? I was!) but your new return/exchange/rewards points policies suck a**.

If you’re going to make changes like that, please give notice to cardmembers in their statements so we know ahead of time. B*tches.

Love, Disgruntled Luxe card member

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Emily Blunt -

First, you’re gorgeous. Seriously, I would LOVE to have a figure and flawless skin like yours. And I know I should say I’m happy for you that you’re marrying the man of my dreams, who is my soulmate and who I love/lust after regularly, but the news of your engagement to John K did make me very sad.

Way to kill my Friday. But to quote my buddy Maris, half of all marriages end in divorce anyhow, so I’ll make a suitable wife #2.

Don’t judge me, first Michael Buble and now John K? Come on girl, save some dreams for the rest of us!

Love, Anonymous ;)

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The month of August and upcoming September -

Get your sh*t together.

Seriously. I don’t want sweltering heat but 60 degrees as a high during the day? WTF? I’m not ready to bring out the fall clothes yet. I still have cute summer things I would like to wear!

Love, Me and the Midwest

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Jordin Sparks -

I’m totally addicted to your song, Battlefield. And I became addicted to it because my friend TC has gotten me into watching VH-1 in the mornings and I saw your video and now that’s all I can listen to.

Thanks for burning your catchy, Pat Benetar-inspired (but not really at all like) song into my head.

Love, A girl who needs to stop playing that song 10x a day

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Kate Gosselin -

Please for the sweet love of god, don’t do any more media interviews. I’m tired of you appearing on the covers of my favorite magazines, like People and Us Weekly giving “exclusive” interviews.

I don’t want to read about your drama anymore!!! But thanks for the heads up about you appearing on The View, I will make sure not to watch.

Love, Me and hopefully a lot of other people

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Geniuses at MadMenYourself.com -

Seriously, you guys deserve kudos for creating this. It not only killed an hour on my Sunday, but it also helped me get more excited about the new season starting.

And you let me look super curvy and cute in 1950s garb and pose with Don Draper. Meow. Thank you!

Love, A big Mad Men fan

Um here is my image, I know, I had some issues with the hair and nose but that dress and clutch, HELLO!:

Well those are my letters for this weekend, as you can see, I had a lot on my mind!

How was everyone else’s weekend? Do you agree with my letters or have some celebrity or issue you would like to write a strongly worded letter about?

21 Comments

  1. Lil' Woman says:

    Dear Emily Blunt,
    I know your secret.
    The baby beatings and bunny eatings can only go on for soo long till Johnny Boy catches on to you. Your a dream stealer and I hope Pam whoops your ass!

    Sincerely,
    Wifey #3

    P.S. I hear she kicks little baby kittens too!

  2. MinD says:

    I loathe Uggs as a whole, but it’s even worse when a chick pairs them with a skirt. Drives me bonkers!

    And I think Emily Blunt is too pretty for her new fiancee. I don’t find John Krasinski or however you spell it even remotely cute. Maybe I’m alone in this.

  3. golublog says:

    Mad men yourself always wonderful. But kate gosselin is not doing herself any favors by making appearances.

  4. i love battlefield too!!!!! im glad i’m not the only one.

  5. katelin says:

    when i saw that john krasinski was engaged, you were definitely the first person i thought of, haha. second wife, you got that in the bag! :)

  6. Lacey Bean says:

    I was at the supermarket yesterday, and some girl was wearing short shorts, and TALL UGGS. Girly, it was 85 degrees out! I was sweating in my jeans, t-shirt and flip flops, don’t know how she wasn’t dying in TALL UGGS! AHH!

  7. Kate says:

    I think I know where I’ll kill an hour of my time today. You know, because it’s too goddamn cold to do anything outside. Mad Men, here I come! :)

  8. Allison says:

    In your letter to Kate Gosselin, you should’ve included Jon too. Apparently he gave an interview to GMA on Friday.

    WHAT MORE COULD YOU PEOPLE SAY? MANY DIVORCES DON’T GO SMOOTHLY SO WHY IS YOURS ANY DIFFERENT?

  9. kate gosselin? UGH.

    and ditto on Jordin Sparks’ new song. although I don’t play it daily but when it happens to come on the radio, I blast it.

  10. *SOBS* Why John…why???

  11. Erin says:

    I don’t think I’ve ever tried to return something at Banana Republic. But, if you, a loyal customer, are irritated then I’m guessing they’ve instituted a draconian return policy, huh?

    Also, if the stupid magazines could stop putting Kate and/or Octomom on the cover that would be great. They always send my husband into an embarrassing rant in the grocery store checkout line.

  12. Doniree says:

    AH! I know what you mean about the weather – Minnesota’s getting the same nonsense and I’m not done with my sun dresses yet!

  13. Shannalee says:

    I totally feel ya on John K. My heart sank! I know I should be happy for them, but come on.

  14. Shannon says:

    I walked out the door this morning to 62 degrees. It smelled like I should have been walking to the bus stop. And honestly, it made me so happy….which is a feat in itself for a Monday morning.

    Harshly written letters from me this week go out to: People from Staten Island, NY, People who are unable to walk properly in casinos and Booze. (If it’s not obvious, I spent the weekend in Atlantic City).

  15. Zoot says:

    When I found out Neil Patrick Harris was gay I was as broken-hearted as you were Friday. I’m not sure why suddenly him being gay seemed to stand in my way since obviously me being MARRIED didn’t seem to be an issue…but I was still upset. :)

  16. Kate says:

    I totally agree with all of the above!! Especially John K being off the market :( So cute!

    AND Chicago-land’s temperatures have been insanely disappointing lately! We’re supposed to hit a low of 45 tonight! Where the hell did summer go?!

  17. jenn says:

    i would be more than happy to add my name to all of your letters. mostly the one about the weather. i love a 65 degree and sunny day as much as the next girl…just not in august. ugh. :)

  18. Erin says:

    I have to agree about the weather. I love Fall, I really do…but it’s not time for that yet!

  19. Okay. Here’s the deal. I’m going to be in Chicago in FIVE DAYS and I am so, so, SO not packing for 60 degree weather.

    FIX IT!

  20. Katie K says:

    I would like to wear my cute summer clothes for a while longer still too! It has been getting cooler here in New York as well.

  21. mandy says:

    I totally agree about Kate Gosselin. I am so sick of seeing her face all over magazines.

 

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