Change is inevitable.
And right now I’m adapting to the change in seasons, but there is another change going on that I have a hard time accepting, which is a change in friendships.
That is the kind of change I hate the most because I resist it as much as possible. I create a bubble of “out of sight out of mind” around the issue, telling myself that everything is fine when it’s not. I’m growing apart from people close to me and the space between us keeps getting wider.
For me, losing friends or watching us grow apart is so difficult because my friends are part of my family. I don’t have family in Chicago that is readily available to take me in and let me hide out so I view my friend relationships as extensions of my family. These are the people who see so much of the good and bad, who celebrate with me and who support me when things are rough.
And lately, I’m noticing some friends drifting away, the get togethers becoming fewer and further between, the texts tapering off and suddenly when I do see them again, there is this ocean between us of so much to catch up on, wondering where to start but never fully catching up.
I know I haven’t been the best friend lately either. Stressed at work, coming off of a non-stop summer of traveling, working late and generally feeling like there are not enough hours in the day. And sometimes I feel bad that I’m not contributing 50/50 to the friendship but am also disappointed that they’re not meeting me half-way too. It’s a tough balance.
And when I’ve told people my fears about losing these people from my life, many of them shrug it off, saying, “well what can you do?” Right now, I don’t know the answer to that, but I do know that I don’t like where it’s at now and where it is going.
Change is inevitable and often difficult, but no matter how many times I go through it, losing that once close connection with friends is always the hardest. Why do things have to change?
How have you handled changes in friendships before? Are some easier than others or does it hurt more than a break up with a guy? I’m curious what your experiences have been.
I don’t know how to deal with this or make it better, but I’m facing this kind of change in my own life right now. And it’s driving me a little crazy because, try as I might, it’s not working the way I want it to.
I’m in the same position right now… I realized that I put a lot of effort into the friendship and I just don’t get anything back. It’s not that I expect something, but it needs to be worth my time. It’s hard to break the habit of always wanting to be there for her, but I’m working on it. I also have to live with her so it makes things a little strange…
I know exactly how you feel. I have a similarly stressful work situation with long and weird hours, so I know I’m a horrible friend. I guess you’re right — it’s inevitable that your friendships will shift to suit your lifestyle. It’s also a good test of who your best friends are too.
Can you just put in extra effort now and see where that gets you?
Call up your friend and lay it all out. “Hey, I’m really sorry that I’ve lost touch lately, I’ve been busy and stressed. But this friendship is important to me and I feel like we are drifting apart. Can we get together?”
You don’t have to let it drift. Relationships take effort and work. If this one means that much to you then make him/her realize that you are willing to put forth the extra effort. It may be just the motivation he/she needs to start putting in his/her fair share.
I don’t think I’ve ever had a friendship that was close enough I would consider the other person to be family. Maybe one. I’ve gone through the friend “drifting” thing several times, though. It’s sad, especially when you know that they still have friendships with other people you both knew. Then you wonder “Well, what’s wrong with me?”
I can relate to this so much it’s not even funny.
Gah! I HATE when that happens. And I feel like it’s cyclical. Like it happens all the time but with different groups of people.
I just thank my lucky stars that my bff has been in my life for 14+ years. I don’t think she’s goin’ any where. ;)
My friendships usually end with a bang. Either a fight or I completely cut someone off (or vice versa). I don’t really do the drifting thing.
oh man i am in such a similar position, i haven’t been able to see my friends as often as i used to just from being so busy and it sucks. i just hope we don’t drift too far apart to mend our friendship because like you, i’m just not a fan.
The same thing is happening to me right now with one friend in particular. I blame it on the fact that her boyfriend and I dislike each other, but really, if we can’t be friends in spite of him, it makes me question how strong our friendship was in the first place.
I think it’s hard to find really good girl friends, especially once you’re out of college, so I try to cherish those friendships as much as possible.
Yeah, it is inevitable… but there’s always that sense of guilt, especially when you feel like you’ve been a bad friend for being busy, distant, etc. and you feel like the deterioration of the friendship is your own fault. I hate that.
True friends change with you. You may not see them everyday, they might move away and you might lose touch, but when you do get a chance to connect, you pick up right where you left off and you’re all the more glad that you did. Those are the best kind. Losing friends is never fun, but sometimes it makes room for new friends. And sometimes you luck out and lose crappy friends with change — and that’s not really a bad thing in my book. hang in there :)
I’ve been through a variety of changes in friendships, and once you realize that that relationship is changing, it’s not always easy to deal with. It’s completely understandable to be a bit sad about it.
For me, I’ve always decided whether or not the relationship was worth putting more conscious efforts toward it. I get in ruts with friends. I prefer hanging out alone for weeks at a time, and by the time I see anyone again, there’s an awkwardness. I deal with it because sometimes, it is totally my fault. But then there’s friendships from back home, 500 miles away, I’ve tried desperately to maintain and they seemingly pull away. That hurts more, for sure. But if they won’t make the effort, my opinion is then the relationship isn’t worth my time anymore.
Things do change, and it sucks sometimes. But it’s picking yourself up and figuring out the best means of dealing with it.
ps, ofcourse there are the hundreds (literally) of people i’ve met along the way that we’ve tried to be friends and end up just not talking anymore or being absolutely incompatable… it hurts. it does hurt. especially when you like them so much!
Change is always hard. Losing friends is always hard. But I try to look at it how my mom once told me. There are friends for all different parts of your life. Some stay, some go. But there will always be new ones around the corner, not to replace, but to add to your life.
when I was in girlscouts and sports when I was younger the girls I was friends with then were not the girls I was friends with later…
there was a girl i went to grade school with and we use to be best friends and one summer i went away to TN for vacation when i came back she’d made other friends and we were in JR high and I didn’t matter as much anymore…then when we started reconnecting she got pregnant a few months later and dropped out of school…
then there was the girl that lived down the road from us and she went to a private school. when i wasn’t hanging out with the above girl me and this other girl was together… until she went from the catholic private school to the public school and decided i wasn’t good enough to be her friend anymore.
in Jr High i was friends with another girl and she ended up dropping out because of pregnancy and we lost touch as well because of it…
Then I had 2 best friends in highschool. ArmyGirl and LilBit. We called us the 3 stoogettes. LilBit also got pregnant and she tried to stay in school but kept missing more and more and eventually dropped out. Even tho she dropped out we all still hung out together and talked all the time. ((It wasn’t like the other friend who went into hiding and got married at 14!))
Then ArmyGirl joined ROTC and then the Army. She met her man and started drifting away from us. She and I haven’t always kept the best of contact since her ArmyCareer and her family have taken over her life and ofcourse I moved a million trillion times… We’ve recently started emailing each other and talking on the phone occasionally.
But me and LilBit never lost contact not once. And when we moved from Virginia back to Arkansas she was with us a lot… SO much the unthinkable happened… Her and my then husband had sex. Yup my bestfriend… Needless to say, she and I don’t speak anymore…
Since then… well, I met Suga and Jack. Both of those girls have been my friends since me and him split up… We’re repairing our friendship, lost touch after I moved and we’d only been friends for a year…
I wouldn’t mind having friends… guess I do just not CLOSE friends anymore…
Do you think I should be concerned over how many of my “friends” dropped out of school because they got pregnant?!
I’ve found that usually when this happens, I’m the one that doesn’t want to let things go. I’m the one that puts in the effort to try and close the gap, if possible. Granted, both people have to be willing to try, but I’ve found that if the friendship is worth it, it can be rebuilt. At the same time, I also believe that friends come and go for a reason. Sometimes they are there to get us through tough times, sometimes they need us, and sometimes they are just a blessing. Only you can decide what your friend means to you, and if their friendship is worth it.
This is something I’ve been thinking about lately, too, and so I really enjoyed reading through all the comments just now. For me, one of my closest friends lives far away and is married with kids, while I live in Chicago and am single – these are not brand-new changes, but lately these changes have made her especially stressed out and, to be straight with you, selfish. Whenever we talk, it’s about her, and she doesn’t want to know anything about what’s going on here or even read my blog or keep in touch on Facebook or whatever.
And for me, this isn’t sad because I need the friendship or because she needs my friendship (I agree with the people who’ve said new friends come into your life – so true) but it’s sad because we have all this history and I thought we’d always be close.
So right now, I’m just trying to focus on loving her and being there to listen to her and not expecting anything in return. Maybe at some point she’ll be more invested in connecting, but if not, I am genuinely thankful for all that we’ve shared in the past, and I’ll always be glad to have known her so well. Maybe in the grand scheme of things, I’m just supposed to support her right now and trust that God will provide support for me in other means, which He has been, btw.
Random thoughts, but anyway, I am right there with you.
I went through this when we moved to NC three years ago. One friend in particular completely stopped calling and texting me. I would make attempts to text her/leave a message and I would get nothing in return.
It was (and still is) very disappointing and hurtful but I have friends who have gone out of their way to keep in touch.
I know that feeling…where it seems like you’re adrift and the closeness that you had with certain friends seems to disappear and it’s more awkward than comfortable…
There was a friend of mine that drifted apart after undergrad and while I made a little effort to keep in touch…she didn’t…and we moved apart. Recently…for the past year or two, she’s been back to this side of the country and we’ve gotten back in touch…which is nice. I mean she used to be my roommate so we were pretty close…things just drifted when she was going out with her then boyfriend who I didn’t really “like”…
I know my relationships suffer because sometimes I do, meaning there are weeks where I’m behind on my laundry, cleaning, exercising, etc etc. IF I’m behind, how could I possibly catch up? It’s tough.
There are times where I try to be there for EVERYONE all the time, but then I back off if/when I don’t get at least something in return (not equal parody, but just something!).
I’ve gone through a few break-ups but it’s largely due to change in circumstances in our lives. One of my college BFFs married a marine, had to move away with him, and hasn’t really stabilized her life yet as a result and even though we do talk and send cards, it’s not the same. It’s weird and awkward.
So, how to fix? I don’t know. but I do know where you are coming from.
I have different feelings about this. I consider my closest friends to be my family as well. Sometimes friendships just naturally drift apart. I love them and would be there for them in a heartbeat but due to life, location, and work we just don’t get together as often or talk as much.
I went through a friend breakup last year when one of my best childhood friends just sort of stopped talking to me. I was devestated. I felt as if it were worse than breaking up with a boyfriend, because we had so much history. It took a long time to get over that and I still feel like I dont know why it happened. I’ve sort of just had to let it go and make peace with it.
I’m sorry you are going through this but I do agree with Nilsa, sometimes you do need to give a little more than other times.
Losing friends is hard but from the ones I drifted away from I think it was the best decision..our lives were going in different directions and we weren’t interested in the same things no more…were still cordial with each other but were not on that BFF tip anymore.
I think you summed it up when you said … sometimes I feel bad that I’m not contributing 50/50 to the friendship but am also disappointed that they’re not meeting me half-way too.
In my own experiences, MOST people are unwilling to go beyond that 50% contribution level even though they expect their friends to contribute more than 50% when they’re going through a tough time. We look at friends who need more than that 50% as draining on us. A one-way street. And yet, there will always be a time when we need them more than 50%.
So, I say think about those friendships that you really don’t want to lose. And consider putting in more than 50% for a while. In the long run, the balance should be 50/50, but sometimes we need to give a little more to get what we want.
Hey Jess,
I think friendships are definitely like family ties. Once you allow them in and part of that inner circle they do become like family. I think that whenever a friendship is lost, a deep sadness occurs.
Especially when you life becomes so busy you sometimes feel as if you’ve lost control. Just remember though that EVERYONE feels this way. Some just might not verbalize it.
But God is mysterious and although you may lose a friendship, around the corner a new one maybe waiting to arise, and possibly be better than the first one. You never know.
I hope that you do not feel too saddened by this but allow whatever to happen. If this friendship is not meant to withstand the hard times then maybe its not meant to be.
Smile and keep your head up! :-)
This is happening to me too. My bff and I are both in our senior year of college and have internships and she lives an hour away, so we just don’t have time to hang out much anymore. But instead of focusing on the lack of info when we get together, we just have fun and enjoy what time we do have together. The best advice I can give is focus on the positive!
One of my dear friends Sam (who lives in DC now) says it the best. She told me, “John, I know we haven’t talked in over 6 months, but our friendship is so strong and bonded that when we do get a chance to talk again, it’s like no time has passed at all. Some friendships will come and go. But ours, ours will be like it there is no time or distance separating us.”
I am still saddened by the way my relationship with my best friend from high school dissolved. We’d been friends since early elementary school, but once college rolled around, I found her choices to be… incompatible with my life. It was more drama than I could handle at the time, so I disengaged, and we just drifted. I chose it, I know, but it still hurts.
I’ve lost many friends because of my many moves. But that was before blogging, twitter and facebook. There are some friendships, that when they end, confuse and hurt me because I’m not sure what happened.
I think the best thing to do is check in with them and remind them that even though our lives are busy, you’re still there if they ever need the support, laughs or company.
ugh – this is just one of the worst things ever. i am in a similar situation in wisconsin – no family besides the hubby and really haven’t made a ton of friends because i have nowhere to meet them besides work!
there are a few friendships that have drifted away that have really hurt – one in particular. she was my roommate all 4 years of college and we were so close. we slowly drifted away after college and i’ve tried to keep in contact with her but she really makes no effort. a bunch of us who were friends with her finally decided to give up – because as much as it sucks…what can you do?
I recently went through a drastic change in friendship, and it was not easy. I handled it differently than she did (I’m a bit more confrontational even though I’m not a fan of it, she sweeps things like this under the rug).
My feeling? It’s hard. Some are harder than others. Sometimes, you just outgrow a friendship and though it is disappointing, you get over it and past it. But when you and a friend just start to change and you don’t want it to end, that’s when it’s the worst. This is all my opinion of course, but I think it’s safe to say that change is just plain scary.
I don’t have any brilliant words of wisdom, but I can say that I’m definitely going through the same thing right now with a bunch of my friends from graduate school. We all finished grad school in the same field a little over a year ago, and even though most of us remained in the area, I’ve definitely felt us growing apart in recent months. I don’t feel like any of us are changing, but between one girl working 70-some hours a week at her job, another one getting married last month, and yet another moving in with her boyfriend who pretty much never leaves their apartment… Maybe we all need to try harder at keeping in touch, or maybe that’s just the way things go, I don’t know.
But at the same time, a couple of people I knew in high school have come back into my life in the past few months, and we’ve actually discovered that we have far more in common now than we did years ago. So maybe those are new friendships forming!
But even in the face of the new, I totally understand how hard it is to give up on a friendship–I know I’m not giving up on any of my grad school girls…I just don’t know if any of them are giving up on us.
I really think that not only is it inevitable, it can be good. Indicative that as you and change and grow as a person, new friends will get to know the person you are now rather than clinging to the person you were then. Work can be demanding but it’s never boring and friendships need to be able to adapt and forgive. If you’re finding yourself apologizing for the dynamic things you’ve brought into your life, moving on sounds like the best course of action. I’m with Rachel, the right ones will cling to a rock and stick around.
I know what you mean. I’m sort of going through something similar with one of my friends. We don’t hang out nearly as much as we used to. Part of that is because she has a boyfriend who works crazy hours and she’s made a lot of new friends through work. We still hang out from time to time, but it’s not the same as it was back in the day.
I think it can be harder to get over a friend break up because when you get super close with someone, you let your guard down and share everything with them. You don’t always do that in relationships, especailly when they are in the early stages and you don’t want your other to know all of your dirty habits and secrets – stuff you have no problems sharing with a close friend.
Maybe you can try to plan get togethers once a month where you can all hang out and catch up.
I have been in your shoes many times. I have taken a laid back view on the way my life flows. The people and friendships in it are a constant flowing stream. Some people flow in, some people flow out, some find a rock and stick around. My life has so many paths (mom, wife, individual, etc) that I just can’t put in the long term work on friendships that aren’t “perfect” for me at the time. If I feel like the friendship has potential for growth I’ll put all my power into it, knowing there is still a risk of them just following the tide out my life.
So (after all my rambling) what you need to look at is this friendship worth all your effort? Is the pay out going to be that great in the end? If it is then keep working at it, maybe they are just as busy as you are. If not, then keep them as a casual friend and maybe the river will bring them back one day.
Although some friendships may fade away, I always find that others develop in their place. Some you just need to let go of so that you can make a spot for the new ones. It’s not a bad thing. Just “friend evolution”.
Today I also blogged about some changes I’ve had in my life this week – what a coincidence!
I think it depends on the people. With some friends, I’ve made a huge effort and they’ve never returned it. With others I’ve let them drift. And still with others we’ve had hit & miss connections until Something Big Happened and one of us just showed up and said “I need you in my life & I’m going to make time if you’ll have me”.
What has been most useful for me, is leaving things open. Not unfriending people on facebook, sending a random e-mail or text once in a while, and genuinely not expecting anything back if I can. It at least leaves the door open- and I’ve been surprised how many people end up coming back when they know the door is open & life throws them something their “new” friends can’t handle.
I don’t have any advice to offer, but if it’s any comfort I’m going through EXACTLY the same thing. It’s hard, it’s really tough, and I guess it’s just part of getting older. I’m making it a big goal next year to make time and schedule some regular catchups with various friends, which (hopefully) will be easier, at least for me as I’ll have graduated and won’t spending all hours working on assignments.
The thing is, after a loong period of time, it’s sort of like, where to start? There’s so much that’s happened, but then again, most of it is so inconsequential, I almost can’t be bothered going over it. Which leaves you with nothing. I feel really hollow and let down sometimes after meeting up with someone I haven’t seen in ages. But sometimes it’s great – it’s like we never were apart, and just pick up where we left off.
Losing a friend is never easy but it’s all about balance. Sometimes you can’t give your allotted 50% and your friend should step up to keep the friendship going. The opposite is also true. Friendship is an ebb and flow of giving & taking and when one or both parties can’t or won’t keep it up, is it worth the effort?
Change is a season of life and no matter the resistance things will happen beyond your control.
But I still think you’re an amazing friend and I think your true friends realize this too.
I recently decided that I needed to end a friendship. This person clearly didn’t care about me, and I decided I was done. We’re still friendly at work, but we are not friends. It was hard, but it was the right thing to do.
Still, that was my choice. It’s so hard when friends just drift away. It’s hard when you are always the one making the effort. It’s hard to keep making the effort when it’s not reciprocated. I don’t know what the right thing to do is…but I love you!
I’m a military spouse so the friends that surround me have to be my family because sometimes my husband leaves for months on end, and my real family isn’t anywhere near me.
However, every couple of years I have to move, because my husband does and I kind of go with him…. and when that happens I have to make a whole new bunch of friends because the same thing happens, the texts and calls stop and it’s not that we were never good friends it’s that we’re in a different place now, both in our lives and geographically.
Losing friends is tough, but making them is so much fun!!!