Comments on: Change sucks

By: E.P.

E.P. — Thu, 29 Oct 2009 13:10:57 +0000

I don’t know how to deal with this or make it better, but I’m facing this kind of change in my own life right now. And it’s driving me a little crazy because, try as I might, it’s not working the way I want it to.

By: jenniferalaine

jenniferalaine — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 17:13:53 +0000

I’m in the same position right now… I realized that I put a lot of effort into the friendship and I just don’t get anything back. It’s not that I expect something, but it needs to be worth my time. It’s hard to break the habit of always wanting to be there for her, but I’m working on it. I also have to live with her so it makes things a little strange…

By: The Modern Gal

The Modern Gal — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 14:59:31 +0000

I know exactly how you feel. I have a similarly stressful work situation with long and weird hours, so I know I’m a horrible friend. I guess you’re right — it’s inevitable that your friendships will shift to suit your lifestyle. It’s also a good test of who your best friends are too.

By: Kara

Kara — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 13:37:32 +0000

Can you just put in extra effort now and see where that gets you?

Call up your friend and lay it all out. “Hey, I’m really sorry that I’ve lost touch lately, I’ve been busy and stressed. But this friendship is important to me and I feel like we are drifting apart. Can we get together?”

You don’t have to let it drift. Relationships take effort and work. If this one means that much to you then make him/her realize that you are willing to put forth the extra effort. It may be just the motivation he/she needs to start putting in his/her fair share.

By: Erin

Erin — Sat, 24 Oct 2009 21:14:39 +0000

I don’t think I’ve ever had a friendship that was close enough I would consider the other person to be family. Maybe one. I’ve gone through the friend “drifting” thing several times, though. It’s sad, especially when you know that they still have friendships with other people you both knew. Then you wonder “Well, what’s wrong with me?”

By: deutlich

deutlich — Sat, 24 Oct 2009 12:56:18 +0000

I can relate to this so much it’s not even funny.

Gah! I HATE when that happens. And I feel like it’s cyclical. Like it happens all the time but with different groups of people.

I just thank my lucky stars that my bff has been in my life for 14+ years. I don’t think she’s goin’ any where. ;)

By: Maxie

Maxie — Sat, 24 Oct 2009 02:13:13 +0000

My friendships usually end with a bang. Either a fight or I completely cut someone off (or vice versa). I don’t really do the drifting thing.

By: katelin

katelin — Fri, 23 Oct 2009 22:36:44 +0000

oh man i am in such a similar position, i haven’t been able to see my friends as often as i used to just from being so busy and it sucks. i just hope we don’t drift too far apart to mend our friendship because like you, i’m just not a fan.

By: Leahchristine

Leahchristine — Fri, 23 Oct 2009 22:15:38 +0000

The same thing is happening to me right now with one friend in particular. I blame it on the fact that her boyfriend and I dislike each other, but really, if we can’t be friends in spite of him, it makes me question how strong our friendship was in the first place.

I think it’s hard to find really good girl friends, especially once you’re out of college, so I try to cherish those friendships as much as possible.

By: Rebekah

Rebekah — Fri, 23 Oct 2009 18:59:56 +0000

Yeah, it is inevitable… but there’s always that sense of guilt, especially when you feel like you’ve been a bad friend for being busy, distant, etc. and you feel like the deterioration of the friendship is your own fault. I hate that.

By: Amanda

Amanda — Fri, 23 Oct 2009 18:01:29 +0000

True friends change with you. You may not see them everyday, they might move away and you might lose touch, but when you do get a chance to connect, you pick up right where you left off and you’re all the more glad that you did. Those are the best kind. Losing friends is never fun, but sometimes it makes room for new friends. And sometimes you luck out and lose crappy friends with change — and that’s not really a bad thing in my book. hang in there :)

By: MinD

MinD — Fri, 23 Oct 2009 17:47:50 +0000

I’ve been through a variety of changes in friendships, and once you realize that that relationship is changing, it’s not always easy to deal with. It’s completely understandable to be a bit sad about it.

For me, I’ve always decided whether or not the relationship was worth putting more conscious efforts toward it. I get in ruts with friends. I prefer hanging out alone for weeks at a time, and by the time I see anyone again, there’s an awkwardness. I deal with it because sometimes, it is totally my fault. But then there’s friendships from back home, 500 miles away, I’ve tried desperately to maintain and they seemingly pull away. That hurts more, for sure. But if they won’t make the effort, my opinion is then the relationship isn’t worth my time anymore.

Things do change, and it sucks sometimes. But it’s picking yourself up and figuring out the best means of dealing with it.

By: blaez

blaez — Fri, 23 Oct 2009 16:10:08 +0000

ps, ofcourse there are the hundreds (literally) of people i’ve met along the way that we’ve tried to be friends and end up just not talking anymore or being absolutely incompatable… it hurts. it does hurt. especially when you like them so much!

By: Lollygagger

Lollygagger — Fri, 23 Oct 2009 16:06:07 +0000

Change is always hard. Losing friends is always hard. But I try to look at it how my mom once told me. There are friends for all different parts of your life. Some stay, some go. But there will always be new ones around the corner, not to replace, but to add to your life.

By: blaez

blaez — Fri, 23 Oct 2009 16:02:27 +0000

when I was in girlscouts and sports when I was younger the girls I was friends with then were not the girls I was friends with later…

there was a girl i went to grade school with and we use to be best friends and one summer i went away to TN for vacation when i came back she’d made other friends and we were in JR high and I didn’t matter as much anymore…then when we started reconnecting she got pregnant a few months later and dropped out of school…

then there was the girl that lived down the road from us and she went to a private school. when i wasn’t hanging out with the above girl me and this other girl was together… until she went from the catholic private school to the public school and decided i wasn’t good enough to be her friend anymore.

in Jr High i was friends with another girl and she ended up dropping out because of pregnancy and we lost touch as well because of it…

Then I had 2 best friends in highschool. ArmyGirl and LilBit. We called us the 3 stoogettes. LilBit also got pregnant and she tried to stay in school but kept missing more and more and eventually dropped out. Even tho she dropped out we all still hung out together and talked all the time. ((It wasn’t like the other friend who went into hiding and got married at 14!))

Then ArmyGirl joined ROTC and then the Army. She met her man and started drifting away from us. She and I haven’t always kept the best of contact since her ArmyCareer and her family have taken over her life and ofcourse I moved a million trillion times… We’ve recently started emailing each other and talking on the phone occasionally.

But me and LilBit never lost contact not once. And when we moved from Virginia back to Arkansas she was with us a lot… SO much the unthinkable happened… Her and my then husband had sex. Yup my bestfriend… Needless to say, she and I don’t speak anymore…

Since then… well, I met Suga and Jack. Both of those girls have been my friends since me and him split up… We’re repairing our friendship, lost touch after I moved and we’d only been friends for a year…

I wouldn’t mind having friends… guess I do just not CLOSE friends anymore…

Do you think I should be concerned over how many of my “friends” dropped out of school because they got pregnant?!

By: Wonderful

Wonderful — Fri, 23 Oct 2009 15:42:17 +0000

I’ve found that usually when this happens, I’m the one that doesn’t want to let things go. I’m the one that puts in the effort to try and close the gap, if possible. Granted, both people have to be willing to try, but I’ve found that if the friendship is worth it, it can be rebuilt. At the same time, I also believe that friends come and go for a reason. Sometimes they are there to get us through tough times, sometimes they need us, and sometimes they are just a blessing. Only you can decide what your friend means to you, and if their friendship is worth it.

By: Shannalee

Shannalee — Fri, 23 Oct 2009 15:15:29 +0000

This is something I’ve been thinking about lately, too, and so I really enjoyed reading through all the comments just now. For me, one of my closest friends lives far away and is married with kids, while I live in Chicago and am single – these are not brand-new changes, but lately these changes have made her especially stressed out and, to be straight with you, selfish. Whenever we talk, it’s about her, and she doesn’t want to know anything about what’s going on here or even read my blog or keep in touch on Facebook or whatever.

And for me, this isn’t sad because I need the friendship or because she needs my friendship (I agree with the people who’ve said new friends come into your life – so true) but it’s sad because we have all this history and I thought we’d always be close.

So right now, I’m just trying to focus on loving her and being there to listen to her and not expecting anything in return. Maybe at some point she’ll be more invested in connecting, but if not, I am genuinely thankful for all that we’ve shared in the past, and I’ll always be glad to have known her so well. Maybe in the grand scheme of things, I’m just supposed to support her right now and trust that God will provide support for me in other means, which He has been, btw.

Random thoughts, but anyway, I am right there with you.

By: thatShortChick

thatShortChick — Fri, 23 Oct 2009 14:53:57 +0000

I went through this when we moved to NC three years ago. One friend in particular completely stopped calling and texting me. I would make attempts to text her/leave a message and I would get nothing in return.

It was (and still is) very disappointing and hurtful but I have friends who have gone out of their way to keep in touch.

By: moonjava

moonjava — Fri, 23 Oct 2009 14:49:57 +0000

I know that feeling…where it seems like you’re adrift and the closeness that you had with certain friends seems to disappear and it’s more awkward than comfortable…

There was a friend of mine that drifted apart after undergrad and while I made a little effort to keep in touch…she didn’t…and we moved apart. Recently…for the past year or two, she’s been back to this side of the country and we’ve gotten back in touch…which is nice. I mean she used to be my roommate so we were pretty close…things just drifted when she was going out with her then boyfriend who I didn’t really “like”…

By: Nora

Nora — Fri, 23 Oct 2009 14:48:24 +0000

I know my relationships suffer because sometimes I do, meaning there are weeks where I’m behind on my laundry, cleaning, exercising, etc etc. IF I’m behind, how could I possibly catch up? It’s tough.

There are times where I try to be there for EVERYONE all the time, but then I back off if/when I don’t get at least something in return (not equal parody, but just something!).

I’ve gone through a few break-ups but it’s largely due to change in circumstances in our lives. One of my college BFFs married a marine, had to move away with him, and hasn’t really stabilized her life yet as a result and even though we do talk and send cards, it’s not the same. It’s weird and awkward.

So, how to fix? I don’t know. but I do know where you are coming from.