So you all know that three weeks ago I went to the doctor and found out that I need to get back on the healthy living train. Well, this weekend I went back to the doctor for more tests and I was actually looking forward to the dreaded weigh in, because I was DYING to see if all my recent hard work was paying off.

I wasn’t expecting a major weight change, but something. One pound, maybe two, just a little something to validate my hard work.

So I walk in, take the shoes and sweatshirt off (in case lead bricks magically were in them) and I step on the scale, almost anxious to see the result.

And then I did.

No change in weight, in fact, I gained one pound.

As expected, it took two seconds for me to get upset and start to cry.

One f*cking pound. One motherf*cking pound GAINED.

I wanted to rip the scale’s screen off the wall and break it into a million pieces.

When my doctor came in, wondering why I was visibly upset, I told her that I was disappointed in my weigh-in, that I was taking this very seriously and said that I’m logging my calories, mixing up my gym routine, cutting back on drinking, watching portion control. I felt like that one pound was mocking me and telling me I was going to fail.

Shocked by my reaction, she tried to reassure me, “It’s only been three weeks…don’t take it personally…you’re about to start your cycle, I’m sure it’s water retention…it will take time.”

TIME? I KNOW IT WILL TAKE TIME BUT I WANT SOME KIND OF SIGN NOW.

Losing weight just sucks.

It sucks when you have to cut back, it sucks when you look at food sometimes as the enemy and kill yourself to go to the gym and have nothing to show for it. And retaining water f*cking sucks too.

Sure, I do feel leaner and I think my clothes are fitting better, but when you need some kind of validation and don’t get it, you slide into a shame spiral.

Which is exactly what I did. I left her office sad and rather than crying on the couch (like last time), I drank beer, ate frosting, M&Ms, cupcakes, fries and tater tots.

And no, I didn’t feel better afterward and that gross feeling on top of being exhausted lead to a poor showing at yoga on Sunday when I could barely support my own weight on my T-rex-like arms.

Thus, the vicious cycle continues. So I’m trying to rally back and stay motivated.

Thanksgiving will be a challenge though.

I had a hard time deciding if I should post this or not, but I was so upset and frustrated that I had to get it out there.

So how do you stay motivated when you exercise or try to eat healthy?