I could say that the Tiger Woods drama didn’t inspire this post but that would be a lie.
And really, this post isn’t about him, but reading online about his “transgressions” and his apologies to his family, it got me thinking about…cheating.
I’ve been cheated on and it sucks but I always find it strangely interesting why guys/girls do it.
I’ve never cheated on someone and although I’ve been tempted, I never did it.
When the Tiger drama started blowing up, a friend and I were gossiping about it and got to the core of our curiosity: why do people do it?
Famous or not, why do people cheat?
Is it the thrill of being caught? Or the overconfidence that you can do it and no one will know about it?
Or is it that after awhile, when relationships change and grow over time, that you get bored and look for excitement elsewhere?
When Peter cheated on me, it was primarily because he wasn’t happy. Yes, I would have preferred he told me that rather than cheat on me but in that case, I found cheating to be a coward’s way out. Rather than face our relationship issues, he gave me a reason to break up with him instead of doing it himself.
And if you’re always looking for something better, why have your boyfriend/girlfriend/fiance or husband/wife be collateral damage?
And sure, I was surprised Tiger cheated (allegedly) but in reality, it’s not just one type of person that does it. Even the good girl or the guy next door can do it. I guess how you move on is really trying to regain that trust.
So I guess there isn’t is a real POINT to this post moreso than to just pose that question out there: why do you think men/women cheat?
Review blog update: Okay so this review really isn’t related, but I’m reviewing MAC’s Tinted Lipgloss on my other blog so check it out! Perfect for holiday parties.
Also, I know I’ve been a total slacker on the review blog but I’m in desperate need of finding new things to review so there may be some delays or silly stuff, but I am working on updating this regularly!!
When you call it a “coward’s way out,” you’re completely right. And I was the one who was cheating.
I tried ending the relationship, on numerous occasions. And he’d cry, or make me feel horrible for not “trying” to keep us together. But I knew I wanted out. However, living together and knowing that if I just left, I’d be homeless, that made it tough. We *had to* end amicably, in my mind. And slowly I fell into cheating… It wasn’t a conscious decision. Just sort of happened and then became a snowball effect to the point when I stopped caring about my actions.
Eventually we ended, and I never mentioned the cheating. I doubt he knows even now, years after we’ve been over. Do I feel guilty about it? Of course. Do I justify my actions? To an extent, though I know it was wrong. But I learned a lot from being in those shoes and I know that it was a cowardly way to behave, and very wrong in every way, shape and form. I also know I don’t want to ever be that person again.
I have been the cheater (way back in my early h.s. days) and the cheatee…and it doesn’t make sense to me. I just don’t know why people dont just end the relationship..I would rather hear it through the jerks mouth than through the grapevine.
My experience with being cheated on had to do with his sense of entitlement. It was like if he felt he “deserved” something, it didn’t matter at what cost or who it hurt in the process. It was all about pleasing himself. He used sex to “soothe himself” when he was upset. And when I didn’t want to sit around at his beck and call to “soothe him,” he went elsewhere. Honestly, I tried to forgive him and gave him a chance to earn back my trust and make it better, but you know what? He bailed on me. He blamed me for not giving him what he needed, which is why I think sometimes…cheating has less to do with the relationship than with the personality and mindset of the cheater. He cheated on his wife before me, and cheated on girlfriends before and after me. A person like that will ALWAYS cheat because no matter how the relationship may change, the mindset won’t. I’m happy to say I’m no longer with that person and am now with the kind of man who wouldn’t do that to me.
I don’t have much insight … I’ve been the one cheated on but never the other way … I will offer you two quotes from elsewhere.
There’s a line in When Harry Met Sally: “Infidelity is just a symptom that something else is wrong.” And whenever there’s news of an athlete cheating, one of my fellow (male) sportswriting buddies always says, “Show me the prettiest girl in the world, and I’ll show you a man that’s tired of f’ing her.” Kind of depressing.
Why do they cheat? I often think it’s because they can especially in the case of the celebs. Or because they are bored. Or because they want to try something new while also enjoying the comforts of what they already have?
I’ve never cheated either, never will, because I’ve been cheated on and know just how crappy it feels.
I have strong suspicions that my ex cheated on me, though I never found real proof. I do think a lot of guys are too emotionally weak, and would rather be broken up with than have to be the one doing the breaking up.
Here’s a really interesting Esquire piece on the Tiger scandal — did he cheat because he was once a geek?
http://www.esquire.com/the-side/feature/tiger-woods-mistresses-hit-home-120709
I think it’s a lot easier to cheat than to try to work through something or to make a relationship on the rocks work. It’s a coward’s way out, sure, but I think some people find that easier. I guess? I’ve never cheated, though, so I wouldn’t know. You’d have to ask some of my exes. ;)
I think I read somewhere a while back that 2 out of 3 men are born with a cheating gene (to put it into simpler words). They are just chemically set for it.
And I’m with Jenn too that it isn’t in people’s nature to be monogamous. Only the strong make it through a life-long, faithful relationship!
It’s easier to fuck up a relationship than to put in the work to make it work.
I’m actually in the middle of composing a blog post that’s tangentially related to this. A guy who is in a relationship is hitting on me… hard.
From my perspective, there is no reason to cheat on someone you’re dating. The difference between cheating and not cheating is just picking up the phone and breaking up with the person first. If you’re not willing to do that, then you shouldn’t be trying to get with someone else.
I have been thinking a lot about this too. I have never cheated, but I have been the other woman.
I think it is selfish and cowardly and the lowest thing someone can do to someone who trusts them…but I also think we are a nation who wants it all and have never learned to truly respect relationships and others.
It is a tricky one.
i don’t get why people cheat. i know people that have cheated and usually it’s “oh i was drunk”, but that’s just lame to me. i don’t really think there is a good excuse, it just usually sucks overall.
I was actually talking about this with my mom last night and about why especially powerful men cheat and I think it’s selfishness in not caring about who gets hurt or not considering the consequences and arrogance in thinking they can do whatever the hell they want.
In my experience, people cheat because there is something dysfunctional about the relationship they’re in. I cheated because I was young and insecure — basically because I wasn’t emotionally mature enough to do the right thing. Everyone’s specific reasons are different, but I think dysfunction that isn’t being dealt with properly is what it boils down to.
Like many others, I’ve cheated and I don’t know why. I haven’t since I was 20 or so. I blame it on being young and while you think the relationship you have at that age is “the one,” it’s not.
Recently I have found myself to be the “other” woman and I’m not sure how I got myself there either. But I don’t think I could be the one who does the cheating at this point. After having it happen to me I could never put someone through that.
Hmmm…this is an interesting post with lots of interesting comments.
I’m the ‘girl next door’ who has cheated. Truthfully, it surprises me that it happened. I’m really quite prude and I don’t even know how I get myself into these situations.
I’ve only cheated in a long distance situation. (And by long I mean farther than you can drive in a day.) I’m not sure if I did it because I began to feel lonely. Or wanted more. Or felt like so many things had changed in my relationship and I couldn’t quite find center and opted to go in a completely different direction.
I don’t know why I did it but I wish I wouldn’t have. I do sometimes wonder if I’m (unfortunately) one of those people who will struggle more with monogamy than others.
I’ve cheated before and I can’t really say why, I can only guess. I was 18 at the time and my boyfriend was older and more serious than I was about our relationship. I think I cheated because I was afraid of commitment, especially at such a young age. The relationship I’m in now, I could never picture myself being with anyone else, even for a fling. I think really being with the right person has a lot to do with staying faithful, but who really knows? Everyone’s different.
I’m dealing with a situation right now in which I just found out my ex (who I dated for 8 years) was cheating on me for the last 5 years of our relationship. Even though we’re no longer together, and doing great without each other, it still hurts.
I think its boredom, or that old “the grass is always greener” syndrome. People are always looking for that next fix, that new excitement – sometimes this comes with a new man or woman . . . on the side.
I cheated on my ex husband. I’m not proud of it, I’d never do it to someone again. All I can say is, for me, it was completely and totally selfish. I had lived so much of life for someone else, for everyone else, and I needed to take a chance to make myself happy. Cheating was a catalyst to get me out of a relationship I wasn’t happy in. It was wrong, it hurt someone I loved, it was selfish. I’m happier now than I was when I was married, but I’m not proud of how I un-did my marriage.
monogamy is unnatural. it’s totally in our blood to cheat and procreate with as many people as possible. ridiculous sounding i know but it’s true. i don’t think everyone is prone to cheat but i don’t think people should be so surprised when people cheat. i think that sometimes it can be forgiven depending on the relationship, how many times it happened and what the cheater does to make it up to the person cheated on. i took a class on the dark side of relationships and it changed my outlook on relationships forever.
I don’t think people always cheat because they are not happy in their relationship or are not getting something that they need. For guys especially, I think a lot of it boils down to opportunity and the thrill of something different. We’ve all seen how the other woman is not necessarily cuter, she’s just someone different.
People cheat because they’re not getting something out of their current relationship that they want or need. I’m not sure there’s ever a time when it’s ok to cheat as someone always winds up getting hurt.
Men and women alike are scumbags. And homewreckers are assholes.
Yeah, cheating is weird. I think there are probably a billion reasons people do it. My guess would be for the excitement of something new. Mature? No. But I think, like you said, it’s an easy way out.
In other news: I miss you!
I don’t have an opinion on why people cheat necessarily… I suppose there are a million reasons like you mentioned. I just know that it’s unacceptable behavior. Seems like it’d be one of the biggest if not biggest betrayal someone could commit in an exclusive relationship.
Oh man…this is one topic that really sets me off. My last boyfriend cheated on me (what made it even worse is that he slept with the other girl in the apartment that he and I were sharing…and the girl was a friend of his that I had agreed to let stay with us while she was in-between apartments…silly me, being nice)
I think it was probably a combination of looking for an excuse to end the relationship, boredom, the thrill, and his need to know that numerous women wanted him.
And I’ll admit, I’ve definitely been tempted (both to cheat on a boyfriend and to hook up with a guy who had a girlfriend–interestingly, both instances involved the same guy), but I’ve never actually done it. And especially after it’s been done to me, there’s no way I would EVER do that to another person!
hmm tough question. i think it has a lot to do with boredom, or honestly – laziness. when you’re in a relationship for a long time – you have to WORK to keep it interesting. WORK to keep the romance alive, and be in love, etc. i think people set themselves up for disaster when they think real love is like “the notebook” and then go on the search for the next great thing.
i also don’t think it’s in our nature to be monogamous. we have had to adapt to the norms of society, but it isnt natural.
that being said – i’d never cheat. it’s horribly selfish and really cowardly. if you don’t want to be with the person – end it.
I don’t know why my ex cheated either… its not like he didn’t have anything or everything he ever needed at home….
oh wait… there was the swinging thing i wont do he wanted to and guess what his new wife will do…..
I think there are many reasons: dissatisfaction, attraction, lack of self-control, curiosity, etc. I’ve been tempted to cheat, wondering if the grass would be greener on the other side. Thankfully, I was able to reel myself in, before doing something I’d regret.
Oh gosh…I have asked this question many, many times. My ex cheated on me and I still have no clue as to why he did it. I think it probably had to do with his insecurity issues and his narcissism. It definitely wasn’t because she was cuter or smarter than me…that’s for sure! =)
As a woman who has been cheated on in every single relationship, my best guess is insecurity. I’ve had long, deep conversations about this topic with my best friends, just this week in fact, and it seems like, at least on the guys end, they feel like they are too comfortable in their relationship. They want to know that they’re desired by more than one woman and sometimes they take that too far. Some men are easily flattered and want some sort of thrill, as their relationship seems too complacent for them. Honestly, there is NO EXCUSE for cheating. It sucks.