Lately I’ve been thinking about relationships and being part of a couple (one day) after a lengthy visit to singledom.
When I was growing up it was never “if” I go to college but “when.” And it was never “when” I get married, it was “if.”
I won’t lie, being raised in a divorced household has affected my view on relationships, marriage and commitment. But, as much as part of me hopes for that, I don’t expect it to happen to me.
My career is important to me, so are my friends and family. I find joy and validation of success in them. I know that one day, I want to be a VP, sit in an office and work on things that interest me. That is what I want. And of course, have minions :)
And it’s funny when I bring up these professional successes to some people because they nod and automatically ask, “are you seeing anyone?”
Sure that question is well intentioned but when I say, “no one,” it generates are response like, “oh well one day you’ll have a guy and you’ll be happy.”
That is not entirely correct. I don’t need a guy to be happy.
Before I can really be with a guy, I want to know I can be happy and content on my own. I want to be my own person, be successful on my own and know that I can take care of myself.
Right now, I’m three of those four things. And I’m working on the last piece that needs to be stronger.
In trying to help my writer’s block for this post, I talked to friends about how they felt about women being happy outside of their romantic relationships and I got some interesting responses.
Some shared stories about single friends who don’t celebrate their birthdays and view it as another reminder that they’re alone and a relationship failure.
It makes me sad to see people I know feel like they can’t celebrate themselves or their lives because a guy isn’t involved. Birthdays are a time to celebrate yourself and the good things in your life. It’s NOT to make you feel like you’re still alone and will be spending another year as such. NO! You should never stop celebrating you and who you are because you’re single. Ever.
And many of the committed friends I talked to about this said it best, “my relationships is a PART of my life but it is not my ENTIRE life.”
I also bring this up because this topic came up while planning my solo vacations. Someone who wasn’t so supportive said I should just wait to have someone go with me, guy or girlfriend. And I realized that my single status shouldn’t hold me back from doing what I want. And I’ll be in a better place to really be with someone if I can face my fears and be comfortable fully on my own.
What about you? Have you had this happen to any of your friends? What are your thoughts on the subject?
Movie review: Review of Date Night is still up on the review blog! I do love Steve Carell and Tina Fey.
Amen, if you can’t make yourself happy, how can you believe the other person will make it better?
At 24, I was completely and utterly single for a year before I recently met my boyfriend, and what a fantastic and exciting year it was! Seriously.
After bouncing from one unfulfilling and disappointing relationship to the next, I realized I was stuck in a vicious pattern and getting nowhere. And you’re absolutely right: I finally realized I don’t need a guy to be happy. I devoted my time improving my own life, doing what I wanted to do, getting to know my family better and spending more time with good friends. I laughed a lot. I wrote a lot. I blogged a lot. And, when the time was right, I met my boyfriend.
Now I know that I love him not because I need him — to make me feel good about myself, to make me feel fulfilled, to simply not be “alone” — but because I want him. I simply want him in my life for no other reason than I love when we’re together. Until recently, that would have been totally mystifying to me. But because I took that time to love me, as cliche as it sounds… it’s let me love him. And that? I’m loving that!
After my first husband and I broke up, I swore I’d never get married again. I love love loved being single and was kicking and screaming when I met Gord. We met and married within six months and he’s a keeper. But there are still times when I miss being on my own.
i believe i said the exact same statements as you and still do.
i can’t count how many times i’ve been asked “when are you getting married?”
My answer: “we aren’t at this very moment. kthanksbye”
I’m trying to work my way make to when I was single. I used to be alot more independent but since being in a relationship I’ve let alot of me fall to the wayside. I agree with you that is important to be happy with yourself and the goals you have in life.
Do what makes you feel best about yourself. Do what you want, live your life how you want to live it. And if you meet that one guy who rocks your world 3 ways from sunday (thats what she said), then great. I personally think its great you’re planning on these trips. I think Nilsa nailed it.
I think you have exactly the right attitude. The biggest mistake I ever made was allowing a relationship to define my life and my happiness. Granted, I was a lot younger then, but I’m so glad I learned from that and realized that I had to be okay with *me* before I could be okay with me plus someone. I would say that having Colby in my life has made me happier, but I only truly found that happiness when I let him add to my life instead of completing it.
I have been single of and on for the better part of the last six years and I have yet to bring myself to go on a solo vacation. I do not think I would enjoy it. As introverted as I find myself I would rather go with someone else. Sad but true.
I haven’t been in a SERIOUS relationship since Gabe’s dad, and that’s quite alright with me. However I DO want to have more kids someday, and I want to do that under the auspices of traditional family/marriage/etc., so yes, I’d like to end up with someone.
Um, that’s MINION!
I totally agree with you. I was wondering why none of my relationships were working out but then I took a 3-year hiatus from the dating world to “find myself”. I needed to know that I could have a mortgage, my career, my friends and still be content by myself. I needed to know that I could do it by myself and be completely independent.
Once I decided that I knew who I wa – a strong, confident and most importantly independent woman – I decided that I would be open to the possibility of dating again, if I met someone.
Shortly thereafter, I met who would turn out to be my husband. Almost 5-years later, we’re incredibly happy but I owe it all to taking the time I needed to be me.
i am so happy that you feel this way. way too many of my friends let their relationships/boyfriends/husbands define them. you need to love yourself first before anyone could love you anyhow. it really is true. and i’m the same way. i love my husband dearly, but i’m also fiercely independent & i realize that i alone control my happiness. others just contribute. you’re a strong lady! :)
Amen. And I HATE the “Why are you single?” question. BECAUSE i WANT TO BE! I’d rather be single and happy with myself than unhappy in a relationship where I don’t feel valued. Ask any married woman (well, one who got married in her 30′s) and she’ll tell you to embrace your freedom because IF you get married/have kids, you’re life won’t be your own (well, at least not really for 18 years! haha)
I think you’re spot on. I got married very young, but I’ve never allowed myself to be defined by the marriage. I didn’t take his last name, and I think that was partly why–I was holding on to who I was, apart from him. I still LOVE traveling separately!
so well stated jess. i think everyone needs to be happy and content with themselves before even thinking about being happy and content with someone else. and pshaw to whoever told you to ask someone to travel with you, they clearly just don’t know how to have fun alone. it’s an adventure. and yes i know i’m not the best example of this any more but i think single is fun and i definitely used to say “if i get married” as well, nothing wrong with that at all.
If anyone doesn’t know how to be happy with just themselves — and only themselves — to lean on, then they need to do some serious soul searching. No single relationship, not even one with a spouse or significant other, will ever be responsible for making someone happy, nor should any relationship be expected to carry that kind of load. A person’s happiness should be the sum of all the parts of their life — like you said, a good relationship is PART of someone’s life and not someone’s full life.
I’m fully convinced that anyone who thinks you’d be better off if you had a man is unhappy with their own life/relationship in some way.
Despite being the girl that got married at 18 years of age (it has been almost 2 years now and I’m loving it) I don’t disagree with anything said here.
I think confidence in yourself is the only thing that makes you attractive in a long term relationships. Though marriage was always part of my hopes and dreams for the future, there’s a difference in being open to a relationship and being desperate for one – - I’ve known many miserable girls in their teens, twenties, thirties and forties who were like this. Their lives always revolved around a man, ESPECIALLY when they didn’t have one, oddly. It was honestly like life was in limbo for them while they were single (most still are because they’re so miserable to be around *not to mention, looking for Mr. PERFECT and can’t settle for anything less than Jesus himself, haha)
The fact is, you need to be comfortable, and confident in your singleness, enjoy it while you can and love every minute of it! Each day is a journey and we all go through different seasons (some do last longer than others, and some start sooner or later for different people). The key is to love ourselves, it is the only way anyone can truly love you, and otherwise you’re just fooling them and yourself, not to mention wasting time!
I love reading all these posts by confident and beautiful single girls. I am a happily married woman but admire your confidence and decision to enjoy this chapter in your lives!
amen to this post sisterfriend!! I have been single for almost five years (FIVE YEARS!) and when people hear that, some actually recoil as if my singleness is catchy.
During this time I have been able to figure out what I enjoy doing and carve out my own identity that doesn’t rely on me being someone’s someone. I have been able to find my independence and I LOVE IT. Don’t get me wrong, I fully welcome a relationship right now but it has to be with the right someone. I just don’t want “someone to just waste my time with.” but I don’t need that immediate someone to be my husband. When it’s right, I’ll know.
I seriously love this post because that’s exactly how I feel right now. I am happy actually doing the stuff I want to do, and putting myself first for once. It’s amazing, and I just see myself getting happier and happier.
The hyperfeminist in me finds all the shit single ladies get so disappointing. My mom is happily single and her friends literally MAKE FUN OF HER and it breaks my heart. Why do women in relationships feel they can judge single women? Why do they think they know what’s best for all women?
I don’t pretend to know anything about relationships or singledom, but I know one thing. I love my freedom and I love my relationship. But I need a balance of the two.
I have to agree that when i’m in a relationship it’s part of my life, not my entire life. I will, admit, however that sometimes I lose some of who I am when I’m in a relationship, but with each relationship I’ve had, I’m learning how to lose less of myself. I’m getting there.
I have had conversations with myself about being “alone,” and really, I’m not alone even if I don’t have a man by my side. I have a dog. I have a great family. Amazing friends. A job. Hobbies, goals, ambitions, hopes, dreams. How is that alone!?
Would it be nice if I had a man in my life? Sure, but it’s not a focus. I don’t really get down on myself about it anymore because if it’s meant to happen, it will. And if not, that’s totally okay to because I can be me on my own and that’s what matters, at least if you ask me :)
And traveling alone? Totally ok. I like go on vacations by myself. I should do more of it, actually.
Up until I was about 24 or 25, I thought I didn’t want to get married. It didn’t interest me and I clearly hadn’t found anyone I wanted that sort of commitment with. I’m pretty independent and have always supported myself post-college, and my parents never really pushed the whole marriage ideal on me. Mostly I just wanted (and continue to want) to focus on being happy, whatever that meant. I hate that many women feel like they have to get married in order to feel validated or live up to someone’s expectations. I think some get married and realize too late they did it for the wrong reasons. IMHO, you are on the right path, doing the things that make you happy and make your life a good one. If the right man comes along, great, but if not, you will still have a wonderful life.
Internet high five for being happy alone.
I wasn’t raised in a two parent household. I was raised watching my mom do it all, which instilled in me the belief that I don’t need a man to make me happy.
I don’t ever really envision myself getting married and being part of a team. I do better on my own. I am surrounded by wonderful people (family and friends) who fill in evenings and weekends. I have a very full and happy life.
It makes me sad when I see friends who think that they can’t be happy until they have that husband or until they kids. Life’s happening now and for me a husband and kids aren’t a part of that, but I’ll be damned if I’m going to miss out on all life has to offer because of it.
Full disclosure, I’m actually engaged right now. But I still think I can address this topic because I have long been of the belief that ALL WOMEN should live alone (or with roommates, etc) before getting married. (As in, should not go straight from youth/college to living with a partner). Maybe not all women need this, but from my experience, my friends who didn’t do this have lost who they are and have become consumed by their relationship. I have one friend who, and it’s become a joke at this point, only calls to hang out when her fiance is out of town. Honestly I think she’d be better off single. She was amazing before, creative, interesting, fun, etc.
That said, it is hard for people in relationships to accept that other people are single. Of my three best friends, two of us are married/engaged and the other is single. While we absolutely support that she is globe-trotting and doing amazing things, there is still that idea out there that someday she’ll settle down like we have. But maybe she wont, and we talk about that and are starting to accept it as a possibility. The truth is that we’ll love her either way, of course!
I am 36 years old and currently single with not so many options. I have given some thought on this since getting poofed before Christmas by my then boyfriend of 14 months. I will not be devastated if I do not get married and have kids.
It’s a hard message to get through my thick head sometimes.
I call bullshit on anyone who says we need a mate to be happy. Or our lives won’t be fulfilled until we have children. That may be true for a lot of people, but when it’s not true for some, the minority should be believed that they don’t need those things to be happy.
As someone who was well into her 30′s before getting married, I am proud of all that I accomplished alone. I graduated with a valuable degree (other than the MRS degree); journeyed into a challenging profession; accomplished 5 marathons, a triathlon and countless other road races; raised thousands of dollars for charity; was president of an alumni organization; traveled overseas. All without someone holding my hand.
I feel very accomplished as an individual. And was excited to share those things with a partner. I never needed a man to be happy. Though, I do think having a life partner has added a new, interesting dynamic to my life. I think the same holds true for children. I don’t need my own. But, if I happen to have some in my future, I think they, too, will add a layer of complexity and interest to who I am as a woman.
I really like where your brain is on this. I was exceptionally happy when I was single. I had great times with married and single friends, work that I was passionate about, and most importantly- freedom. I loved that my time was my own, and I didn’t have to compromise or share it if I didn’t want to. There was no “being selfish” there was just being.
Being married has been completely different than I expected it would be- mostly in a good way, but not always. I miss freedom, solitude, and what I now have to consider selfishness.
I couldn’t have said it better myself. For me, it’s always been about establishing myself as a person and getting my career and goals in order. While it would be nice to have someone around to celebrate me, it’s not necessary.
It’s amazing how so many people don’t really get that. One of my good friends, a guy no less, keeps saying how once I moved, I’m going to get snatched up since I’ll be back in my element (am moving to Baltimore next weekend) – but for me, I don’t care whether or not I do. I just want to meet people, go out, have fun, enjoy being me. Some people really have a tough time with that it seems.
Thanks so much for this post, it’s really great to see single people out there taking on the world and succeeding. I just came out of a serious 3.5 year relationship and am feeling slightly lost. But reading your posts make me think there’s hope out there down the road for me :)
man this really hit home! i’m in a long-term relationship but feel like i know how to be alone and learned how to love myself first. i cherish my alone time and girlfriend time and it’s really hard when friends do not do the same. it’s impossible for me to relate to the girls that live their whole life around the men in their life. i would love to take a vacation by myself sometime – traveling alone in europe was so refreshing and when i get to do solo work trips i’m thrilled. the alone time is great and its a wonderful way to gain some perspective. more power to you :)
p.s. i made the chicken tacos again last night. to die!
i’m so happy that you chose to write this post right now. this is exactly what i’ve been struggling with for the last few months! this is why i love blogs…real people, real stuff.
i’ve only had 1 boyfriend and he turned out to be a d-bag, so we were breaking up right around the time i graduated college. i was one of those girls who lost themselves in the relationship and that is my biggest regret. now, 3 years later, i’m STILL trying to recover the awesome-ness that i lost. its so weird because i was never shy, quiet, un-confident girl before but now i am. i have this huge wall built up and it hasn’t just affected romantic relationships, but relationships with friends and family.
i’m tired of sitting and watching my best years go by without me enjoying them. it took along time, but i’ve realized that i’m the only one who can change it. step 1 was realizing that a guy isn’t the answer. i decided to jump into the deep end of a charity organization full of young people. the next is going to be finding a job that i actually enjoy!
geez, this is long, but i feel better sending that out into the void!
I completely agree with the statement that you have to be fully content with yourself before you can have a successful relationship with someone else. I was single for 2 years before meeting Adam and I LOVED those years. Although, admittedly, there were times I longed for companionship…most of the time I just had fun. I spent so much time with my friends, going on, and just living up my early twenties! During that time I got a job and bought a townhouse and felt super accomplished. I wouldn’t give up those years for anything. I definitely think they helped establish me as the person I am. It also allowed me to enter into a relationship sure of who I am and what I want from life.
You have such a great attitude! I love this post. Relationships are way more solid when each party “knows” themselves first. A friend of mine was in such a rush to get married that she never took to time to find herself first. She has the worst time struggling now to stay happy in her marriage. It is so sad when a women can’t be happy without a man.
What a brilliant post!
I won’t lie and say I am the same way….because, especially right now while I am going through a break up, I have been thinking that only he will make me happy. But you’re right, and I KNOW that you are.
Thanks for reminding us all!
I HEART you! See, this is the same kind of thinking i have in my head and i so wish other people can see it. You should be happy and content with yourself before being happy as a part of “couple”.
I cant believe how a lot of women just relate happiness with love life, men and relationships. Those are just bonus in life. Never a necessity for anyone to be happy.
i agree! i believe you need to be happy with yourself and love and enjoy your life instead of another person being your happiness. i’ve pretty much been single my whole life (i’ve been seeing someone for a few months now) but i love it. it is nice to be in a relationship, but i’m not being to be in one just to be in one and not be single. uggh, it drives me crazy when a girl always has a bf and can’t be single.
You are amazing. I am in awe
PWNED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Couldn’t agree with you more. I’m turning 30 next week and I was planning on celebrating it alone by going on vacation alone. Then one of my sisters decided she wanted to go with me so now it’s just the two of us. I couldn’t be more excited about getting out of town, relaxing by the beach/pool with a drink, good book, and my sis – all the while celebrating and just having fun! Most of my friends would never do something like this, they are all married and have never been “on their own.” I feel lucky that I’ve been able to learn who I am and to love myself as an independent woman. If I end up in a relationship down the road, great! If not, great! I’ll be happy either way, and the best part is knowing. :-) It makes me happy to see that there are more women out there like that, too often I see girls who can’t seem to function without a guy around. Preach on, sister!
Amen to that!!!
Seriously, while PART of my happiness is related to my relationship. I would still be a happy person if I was single (after the obligatory ice-cream/chickflick/drunk/crying of course).
I am sort of drifting my way around a blog post about similar situations at the moment and it’s definitely on my mind.
Also, as I’ve told you before, travelling solo is THE BEST THING I EVER DID. Even though it was only a week road-trip it was still monumental. Enjoy, and send the haters to me.
I was just thinking about taking my first solo vacay! I think singledom is the most empowering, strengthening time of life and we shouldn’t take it for granted.
I was single for a LONG TIME before I was with Andrew (nearly 2 full years of random dates but nothing serious) and while I had my share of moments that I wished for a guy, I also really loved my time alone. Now that I’m in a long-term thing, I still really love my life that doesn’t involve Andrew. I still go places alone (including vacations) and do things by myself.
The truth is that no relationship will ever work until you’re happy alone, AND most guys like girls better who have their own thing. That said, there’s NOTHING wrong with not being in anything at all and being content. I think it was Diane von Furstenburg who said something like “The most important relationship you’ll ever have is with yourself.” That’s the truth.
I wish people (especially women) could understand that everyone’s different. The fact that we all want different things and have different goals from each other is what makes life interesting. Some women want to stay home with lots of kids. Other women want nothing to do with children and want a successful career. And other women want both. And other women want something completely different than any of the previously listed options. What’s most important is to know what you want and what makes you happy. And you totally exemplify that. And it’s AWESOME.
I think our generation is in a really strange spot because our parents were born and raised in a time when you got married, had kids, raised said kids, retired. That’s it. And now people aren’t taking that designated path, much to the chagrin of the older generation, and while TONS of amazing things have come out of this lifestyle, it still doesn’t seem to be totally accepted, or “fit into the mold”, as it were, of how people should live their lives.
While I’m not single anymore and I’m currently in a relationship that is well on its way to being a lifelong thing, I get flack from all sides when I say that we have no plans to have a big wedding, we might even *gasp* elope or get married at the courthouse, and we don’t even want to get married for at least 3 or 4 years, even though he’s almost 31 and I’ll be 30 in a few months.
I just say “You know what? It’s my damn life.”
And all of this is to say YOU, my friend, are awesome.
Wow, that was a long comment :-)
Vacation, birthday or just plain being happy with who we are and what we have–we can’t put any of it on hold just waiting for something. We should take what we have and who we have in our lives and appreciate and enjoy it all. Defining our lives based on any one thing will only ever make us frustrated and disappointed. I could write a whole post on this…if I were still blogging ;)
My parents divorced when I was in first grade. Their marriage (and subsequent relationships) left me pretty distrustful. In college I specifically intended to NOT get married. Eventually I had to reconsider, of course, but I never made it a goal to “get married by 30″ or whatever.
It makes me sad to see people who wait around for a partner to start their life for them. Committed relationships are a beautiful thing, but they’re not the ONLY thing in life.
After my long-term relationship ended, I was absolutely okay being single for a long, long time. And after I realized I was content at where I was in my life, Steve fell into my lap (um, literally). And I come from divorced parents as well (so does Steve).
Any hey, solo vacation = more time to swoon and flirt, am I right?!
You’re sooooo right, Jess!!! I think you need to know who you are and be okay with who you are first whether you’re single or attached. Seriously, being with someone or being married has nothing to do with your true happiness. Yes, it can make your life happy, but if you’re not happy with yourself, it doesn’t matter.
You’re soo strong and I adomire you!
xoxo
I could have written this blog post. I have TONS of friends who view being single as a bad thing, like it’s some disease that us single women will get over some day. I feel bad for them, in all honesty. Because people who need someone else to complete them will never feel fully confident in who they are. I know that even if I never get married or never even have a boyfriend ever again, that I will always be okay with myself and who I am as a person. I think being cool with being single takes a lot of strength (though it SHOULDN’T!) so amen to you, sista. =)
I’m unintentionally single…never thought I’d make it to 27 (not that’s “old”) and still be single. However, I’ve learned that there are tons of blessings in singleness. While this isn’t my preferred state, I’m learning to love being exactly where God has placed me. After all, being in a relationship doesn’t guarantee that I’ll be content by any means!
I think before you can ever be happy in a relationship you have to be happy with yourself. Otherwise, you become that girl. The girl that loses herself the instant she meets a guy. Not the guy, but a guy. In the end that relationship is doomed. I am slowly figuring out this new me, the me that started over and I think when the right guy comes along we could be happy. But right now I am just fine being me.
PS – my least favorite question? How are you single? Um, because I am. What kind of question is that?