Girl code is complicated but one thing is not: you don’t date your friend’s ex.
Maybe that’s a southeastern Wisconsin thing, or I just hang out with people who tend to do that, everyone I knew followed the rule that you never date a friend’s ex.
Not that I’ve WANTED to date many of them, but much like my “one that got away,” there were a few I thought may have been better suited for me :) But alas, it did not happen.
Recently, a friend and I were talking about this and she says this part of the code is antiquated.
Personally, I don’t know about that.
I’m still on the “nay” side of this, but my “pro” friend brought up a few valid points:
- Is this a bad teen flick? Those rules are not the same nowadays
- That relationship ended, it’s done
- What if he could be “the one” and you guys were supposed to meet by him being with a friend
- How close are you to this friend? Dating an ex of an acquaintance is different from dating a closer friend’s ex
Hmm valid, but there are two things that my crazy brain counters with:
- How would I feel if a friend dated, closer or not, dating someone I did? Wouldn’t it be weird to see them together?
- Can you move past that your friend was intimate with this guy you’re now dating?
Again, my brain is crazy but those are the first things that jump to mind when I think about this.
A friend back in Wisconsin dated and eventually married her friend’s ex, who really was her soulmate, but many times she mentioned (when drunk) that there was always a bit of resentment in her mind that her hubby slept with her friend years ago. Ew, that sounds like this resentment could only get worse.
Maybe this way of thinking is just old-school but as I get older and meeting new people and groups of friends, I feel like I can move beyond this or not let it hold me back.
And maybe it depends on the person. Some women may be more lax on this than others, but it’s still a sticky subject.
What about you? Would you date your friend’s ex?
Edit @ 10:35 p.m.: Lots of people are mentioning that it depends on the situation if they would date the ex. What situations would make this an exception to the code rule? When would you possibly go forward and do it?
Movie review: Oh yeah, forgot to say that my review of the Kids Are All Right is still up too. Seriously, Mark Ruffalo is hot and shirtless in it.
I am dating my best friend’s ex. Well, I should say ex best friend. He told me he liked me ever since the first day hes layed eyes on me. We’ve been dating since December 5, 2011. He broke up with me because I was texting other guys. Me and him were both crying and he said we needed a break to think things out then we’ll start dating again and have a healthy relationship. My best friend moved 1000′s of miles away and I lost her because she still liked this guy. He told me hes never been that sad before.. then I thought, so your even more sad of taking a break with me, but your not as sad that you lost my best friend as your girlfriend and shes gone forever? I haven’t talked to her in forever. She hasent talked to me since she found out he kissed me on our one month? Keep this in mind I’m 13.. but I know what I’m talking about trust me.. do you think I made the right choice?
In my case, I am dating my best friend’s ex and we plan to marry eventually. It did ruin my friendship and I do have a lot of guilt, but there are other factors going into it. She cheated on him for 6 months prior while he was away on duty… and she stopped hanging out with me because she had some new friends and she never told me about this other guy. She only wanted the ex back after the other guy didn’t work out. She’s now being vindictive and evil and I know she’s pretty hurt. I think of her all the time and I feel sad for her. However, this man is my soulmate and am head over heels in love. Due to the fact I am in my 40′s ….sad, but true…pickins are slim and if this feels right…. I’m not wasting anymore time, especially if the right man is right in front of me. I also knew him for 5 years. So we have a great friendship as well. I think if she cheated…then this rule is null and void! She did a no no as much as I did. Live and let live. Life is too short to live by these rules, but it is a huge risk and sacrifice in losing your friend.
So I am dating one of my friend’s ex’s right now. On top of that is a long distance relationship and I only see him on weekends. I don’t see a problem with the fact that we are dating, but if you looking into dating a friend’s ex. I say don’t do it. It has caused some massive stress, even more because him and I are an hour apart. But I am very happy with him and reguardless of what other people may think, we are happy.
I am in this dilemma right now. My friend (who i fight a lot with) dated this guy i liked since freshman year, and they dated for two years, but recently broke up. I have NO idea what to do. I like him, and I realize it’s my friends ex, but I REALLY like him. /: sigh. I’m afraid to tell her because I don’t know how she’ll take it, and what if she says she’s not okay with it? I can’t just stop liking him because she wants me to. UGH. So complicated!
I would never date my friends ex. One of my friends brought up the idea of dating my ex who i was with for a year serious and before that we were together on and off for 2 years. I would never be able to be friends with this girl again if she started dating my ex, because you couldnt have a normal friendship it would be weird talking boys and knowing that oh yah he does that or oh he did that with me. Like most people when they break up it still leaves some feelings and i know that i will always have the stupid girly feelings towards him and would feel like there was a stab in the back if my friend started dating him
I agree with nicole. It’s more about how your friend and ex handle it then it is about them dating. My situation was about the worst I’ve heard. He’s a significant ex – we have a child together so still very much in contact and friends with him (we went to dinner a fair amount with our son, got each other’s mail when we were out of town etc.). She was my friend of less than a year and a co-worker who reported up to me at work and she was MARRIED. They hooked up on the sly to everyone. There was a fling stage and then a break-up of the “affair” from him, that he shared with me he was going to do. And I was cool to remain friends with both after that. Then they got back together, sneaking around again – didn’t tell anyone, in fact, outright and by omission lied quite a few times to me about it. My spidey senses kicked in. Confirmation. Friendships did not make it. I was considered just jealous. More confirmation that they were not worthy of being my friend. Still have to deal with both of them. She still works with me but I am not her boss, thank god. She got quickly divorced. It’s good times! (NOT). I may be crazy but some well-time considerate communication in there somewhere could have saved a few friendships and a LOT of confusion for my son!
One of my friends from college dated my ex behind my back. She lied about it and other friends covered it up. No one wanted to tell me because they knew I’ll be furious.
Low and behold, they just got married. I was furious about the relationship at first, but now I’m genuinely happy for them. Looking back, he and I wouldn’t have lasted anyway.
I wish them the best! :)
So I have known this guy since diapers.. we have been friends for forever.. not best friends.. but always had each others backs and never crossed any lines. strictly friends. I met his ex of only a month being broken up.. through him and they dated for 7 years. Now I work with her shes my client and I play ball with her… However if u were to ask friendship status Id say I was truthfully a great friend to her.. sticking up for listening to her never repeated a word she ever told me.. and the favor was not returned in may cases. such as my ex and the guy Im talking about her ex.. are friends. and basically she chose her friendship with my ex over me a million times.. told him things I told her or what I was doing…. ANYWAYS him and I have been split up since 2009.. but hes a narcisist and is still obsessed with me.. and they broke up a month ago.. and he just confessed that hes like me for forever and gave me scenerio’s of this and that.. and that ya hes friends with my ex but he treated me crappy and he wants to be the one to give me the world… WHAT DO I DO? because Im into him.. shes devestated.. my ex is going nuts… but I like him back! damned if I do damned If I dont!!???
I’m dating my friend’s ex. It all depends on the friend. Mine was totally cool with it and told me to go for him. If your friend is a true friend, she should be supportive of wherever your heart leads you.
I’m old school. Nay to dating friend’s ex, I even squirm at the idea of my friend just going out casually with my boyfriend. I don’t know why, I recently just had a big fight over this and until now my friendship is no longer the same
I would never date a close friend’s but if it’s only a girl I met once and don’t really have any ties to I would. I agree with most of your friends points but I also see where your coming from. Like many people said it depends on the situation but it also depends on you as the person and if your secure enough in yourself knowing they’ve already been with someone you’ve known. It’s a sticky situation but I would go for it as long as it wasn’t a close friends ex.
thats always been a rule for me and my friends: never date a friend’s ex!!
#1 it can KILL your friendship because you know she dished to you how horrible it was with him and then you turn right around and date him? not cool.
#2 say you end up getting married -you going to ask your friend to be a bridesmaid to her own ex’s wedding?? Or even invite her?
and there are more but its just waaaay too much to write down. long winded to short: its a big no no.
This is eleventy thousand percent too close to home this week. My nutshell verdict: it’s less about the dating and more about how the friend deals with the situation before anything between her and the ex goes down.
Communication is everything.
To me, the only thing it would depend on is how close I am to the friend, and how serious I was about the guy. I had two friends that stopped talking over this, but the girl that dated the friends ex ended up marrying him. The friendship was ruined, but now the other girl is engaged so I feel like it all worked out for the best. I agree there are always exceptions, but for the most part I am all for the rule!!
My friend dated my ex a few years back. I was really upset at the time despite the fact me and him had only been going out for three months and I had been the one who had ended it. The upset more came from the fact that I wanted him out of my life, and now he was still going to be around. Despite this, they ended up going out for three years before it ended and now, four or five years on from the break-up, he is still obsessed with her. I’m relieved it’s not me he’s obsessed with!
As for whether I would date a friend’s ex . . . i don’t know. I guess it would depend how much I liked a guy and how good a friend the friend was. I am in theory opposed to dating a friend’s ex, but what if I met a guy and he was “the one” . . . and his only flaw was that he’d went out with a friend of mine? It would be gutting, especially since I so rarely meet guys I connect with.
Hmmm. It’s quite the conundrum really…
I think it entirely depends on the situation, the people, etc. For me, what it boils down to is how much I value that friendship. If it was the ex of one of my very best friends then no, thats entirely off limits. If it was the ex of someone I might know in passing but don’t really have a real friendship with, then I probably would.
I’m from a small town so the pool is limited. I have several friends who wound up marrying a guy someone else dated.
I finally saw ‘When Harry Met Sally’ this weekend. According to that story, it’s ok if neither of you can remember the friend’s name anymore :) Such a good movie.
Anyway, I have a story about this whole thing. Ask me about it next time you see me. It’s fairly humorous.
This probably sounds weird, but I originally tried to set my husband up with my best friend. Ew, I know. They totally tanked, but by them being together for that week, I got to know him even better, and we realized that we liked each other more than he (or I!) would ever like her. I guess that’s a borderline case?
i don’t think i’d ever be able to date a friends ex or have them date one of mine. however for some odd reason i’d be okay hooking up or like a one night fling with them perhaps? or maybe i guess it depends on how serious the relationship was. good question!
Oh MAN, this has happened to me! One of my best friends decided (despite saying she’d never do it) to date a guy I had recently dated. It ended our friendship. To me? It’s a cardinal NO.
I agree with most. It really depends on how serious the relationship was. A friend of mine dated a guy I used to date when I was a freshman in college. 7 years later, she started dating him and they’re still together. It doesn’t bother me in the slightest because a. it’s been forever and b. there were never really that strong of feelings between us when we were together. On the other hand, if a friend of mine started dating my ex, 6-6, who I used to talk about a lot on my blog while we were dating, I’d be devastated. Sucks that things have to be so analytical in life.
It really depends on the people involved in the situation — you have to take each individual’s feelings into consideration. Some people might have a tough time with their friend dating an ex, and some might not give a rat’s ass. The best thing to do before you even think about going out on a date with a friend’s ex is to have a really honest conversation with your friend, then take it from there.
If one of my friends started to date the chickenshit disappearing ex, I would say best of luck. Given that he didn’t have the guts to actually dump me after a year and half dating, if that was my friend would want, best of luck.
I have a lot of hang-ups with ex business. Steve’s ex (whom he dumped to be with me) kept inviting us (him) to parties she was throwing and basically made sure that every single weekend, we hung out with her. That experience reaffirmed my belief that dating a friend’s ex is a no-go, especially when they’ve been physically intimate. This girl wasn’t my friend and it was WAY too awkward for me. UGH.
I feel like the no-ex rule applied during high school and college, but as we’ve gotten older and more mature it should be something that can be broken IF all the parties involved are mature enough to handle it. If I was the one seeking to date a friend’s ex, I’d certainly try to get the blessings of that friend and take into account that the friendship could be damaged beyond repair — which means I’d have to weigh whether I thought the potential dating relationship would be good enough to risk a friendship. I’d also wait as long as possible before getting involved, just to give everyone adequate time to move on.
My first boyfriend, who I started dating right after high school graduation, had previously dated a school friend of mine. They had a very dramatic breakup. She wasn’t a best friend, but we sat together in classes and sometimes at lunch. School was over for me (he still had a year left) and I wasn’t friends with her outside of school, so I didn’t really have to worry about seeing her or any such awkwardness. Turns out I should have learned from her mistake, because although we were together for a year, he kind of ruined my first year of college. I never swiped a friend’s ex again. I’m sure it can work out for some people, though.
I wouldn’t….that gets into shady territory!
Is that movie w/ Julianne Moore and Annette Benning? I heard great things! need to see!
I’m with you, I never dated a friend’s ex. Aquaintances though… I went to a small college, things happen.
Nope.It’s not ok. ever.
Would I date a guy that my friend had two dates with and really was no longer interested in? Probably. Would I date a guy that my friend had a relationship with? Nope.
It would take a lot of maturity, that’s for sure.
confession, hubs and i met through his ex. I met her at a party through one of my college acquaintances, since i was new to DC she took me under her wing and we started hanging out. Then she introduced me to hubs, because she was still hanging on to what they had had (he broke up with her in Dec, him and i started dating in september. i met her in june and him in august). I had no intention of dating him, we were more hanging out/chatting as friends and at first she encouraged it! Then we both realized there was something more there, she found out, gave me an ultimatum and well, i think i chose wisely since her and i aren’t friends and he and i are married :)
I’m generally on your side about this all though. I still get the heeby jeebies about him dating her, even though her and i were never besties or anything and i had only known her about a month longer than him.
It all really depends on the situation, but i would have never pursued a guy that one of my besties dated or hooked up with. it’s girl code.
Hmm its a tricky one! Where I originally come from in Scotland, everyone has to date everyones friends as there are just not enough people to go around unless you move to the mainland! However it is definitely on a case by case basis.
When I was in High School and probably University you totally stuck by the guy rule otherwise all your friends would turn on you. I did have a fling with an ex of my friends and it didnt work out because I felt too awkward having feelings for him. Thankfully I never told my friend. However now that we are all older and if my friend met an ex of mine I think I would be ok. The only one I couldnt deal with is my first love (who absolutely broke my heart!) or if anything were to ever happen between my husband and I. Anything in between would be fine with me. I agree with one comment earlier on is you just have to ask your friend and see how she feels.
Difficult situation though!
Sometime in the early 1940s, my grandmother went on a double date. When she came home, she told her mother she met the man she’s going to marry. Her mother was excited her date went so well. My grandmother said, no, not my date, my friend’s date. And you know what? That friend’s date wound up being my grandfather.
Clearly, these issues transcend generational differences. And each current generation likely says, “but it’s different now compared to then.” I think, for me, a big factor that would play a role in whether it’s ok to date a friend’s ex is whether your friend has legitimately moved on. As we wait longer and longer to get married, the likelihood that I run into someone when I’m 32 that a friend dated when she was 25 is great. And the likelihood that she cares whether I date him now is probably slim (assuming he didn’t break her heart back then), especially if she’s moved on, gotten married, etc.
But, for me, at the end of the day, what matters is whether it still matters to my friend. I would never go down *that* road without asking … having a real heart to heart with my friend … and if I thought even one small ounce of her still cared, then I just wouldn’t do it. Period. End of story.
There’s a part of me that agrees with the idea that you shouldn’t date a friends ex and another part that believes all is fair in love and war. One of my best friends dated a guy very seriously all through high school, then right before college they broke up and she started dating his best friend. They’ve now been married for four years. So obviously it worked for her. The two friends had a lot of trouble getting past it, but now her husband is the godfather to his friend’s baby. I think only you can know in your heart if it is worth it or not. If it’s just feels like a fling, move on, but if you truly have serious feelings for someone, how can you not go for it?
Am I the only one from a small town here? Because, seriously, it was a friend’s ex or remain a virgin until 20! I didn’t like it, but it was just sort of the way it was. I think pretty much every guy I dated in high school or undergrad later/earlier dated a friend… it was just kind of accepted. It doesn’t mean it didn’t suck at time, though. I’m glad I met my man in the city, so he never knew any of my friends!!
No, no and also, no. I think all the “depends” comments from above are sort of outside the situation. If it’s a guy that someone went on a few dates with, he isn’t really an “ex,” he’s “some guy my friend had dinner with twice.” And if it’s some random girl who you sort of know but not all that well, she clearly isn’t a real friend. And if it’s someone that a friend dated in high school, I mean..it’s high school. But yeah I would definitely stop being friends with someone who dated my ex (and stop being friends with my ex, too, while we’re on it).
I definitely think this can be a depends situation…it depends on how important that friend is to you. True story. One of my ex’s dumped me to go out with his best friend’s ex-fiance (say that ten times fast). Apparently, he had had feelings for her the entire time she and his friend had been together. (And, you guessed it, she and I were friends. Not super close, but yeah.) Not only did their betrayal destroy a group of friends, it’s been years and her betrayal hurts more than his. Weird, huh?
I would have said no way up until about two weeks ago. I’m sort of seeing the ex of a girl I know. They were together for a few years, I knew them (him first) for their entire relationship. Because it’s so very new he hasn’t told her yet. It does feel a little weird, she’s a lovely girl but we never developed a good friendship.
I think (depending on who it is) I could be okay with a friend dating my ex, and we were together for 3 years.
So I think I agree with taking it on a case by case basis. Sometimes it can be okay, but others, not.
In general no. Never. I think the only exception is dating your friends ex from say – high school. Or your friends ex that was really a 2 week fling. Those I think are the exceptions, the asterisk or fine print if you will, that makes it okay. But in general this Iowa girl thinks you stick to your own pool of men and don’t dip into someone elses!
Yeah I would go with it depends as the answer.
But I do have a fun story… my mom and my dad met at a football game when my mom was a senior in high school and my dad had just graduated. He was my mom’s best friend’s date. He called her friend to get my mom’s number the next day, and the girl never spoke to my mom again. But my mom says “We’ve been married for 33 years… and have three kids. I would say it was worth it to lose a friend, regardless of how close we were.” So I think in many situations it definitely works out.
No. No. No no no. A BFF/roomie of mine in college actually dated a guy after I did. He and I only went out twice, and she and him only dated a couple weeks after that, but it was still AWK.WARD. If that’s the minor end of the spectrum, I can’t imagine what the major end of the spectrum would be.
I think this – as so many things are – is really based on the situation. I guess it depends on the kind of relationship my friend and her ex had and how serious they were. I think, no matter what, you should ALWAYS talk to the friend first. I definitely think it could be OK in some situations though!
In my hometown, it seems like everyone dates everyone and it’s hard to not date someone’s ex. Thankfully I never dated much back then and most certainly didn’t date any of my friend’s ex. However, I just think it’s wrong. There are emotions involved no matter how much time has passed. Althoughhhh…….I agree with a previous comment, it might be a case-by-case thing. Depends on the situation.
Hm, this is a tricky one. I think it’s just a case-by-case basis. There is definitely a period of time post-breakup when it is definitely not okay. But when the ex girlfriend/your friend just can’t seem to get over a relationship that is clearly over and has been for a long time, I think she is being selfish. It’s not fair to claim dibs on a guy who no longer has interest in you.
For me it really depends on how close you are to your friend. If you were the type of friend she confided in while they were dating, I think it would make a relationship with the guy a lot harder if not impossible. But if you just kind of know her but don’t talk regularly AND you can get past them being intimate and not feel any jealousy/resentment, then maybe.
The last part is the stickler for me. I knew my husband’s ex (of 6 years) growing up and still talk to her every so often…it took me a long time to not even think about them being intimate but the longer I’ve been with him, the easier it is. Although, I still probably wouldn’t care to be with them both in the same room :)
i avoid it like the plague
I say as a general rule, you don’t date the ex. However, I think it might be OK if all the parties involved are cool with it. I agree with Amy — long-term relationships are a no, but if it was just a few dates or something much less serious, it might be up for discussion.
I think it depends on so many factors. First and foremost, how close I am to the friend and how serious the relationship was. If it was a quick, few dates thing for an acquaintance, than I’d be fine, most likely. If it was my best friend’s long-term boyfriend? Not a chance in hell.
Oddly enough, several of Andrew’s exes have tried to befriend me, something that is a little…weird.
i don’t think i personally would but i have seen friends date their friends ex’s and while the girlfriend relationship is over he was better suited for her and they are getting married…
so i mean, she found her soul mate but lost a C level friend in the process.