27 September 2011

Being single makes me fat

By: Jessica B.

Welcome to a new series from me and Arielle called Single Girl Confidential!

What is Single Girl Confidential?

It seems like everywhere you turn, another blogger is getting engaged, married, or otherwise settling down. Single bloggers are a dying breed, and we’re here to represent our unattached brothers and sisters. We aren’t picking our bridesmaids or stressing out over our DIY save-the-dates, but being single in a big city comes with its own host of issues. But let us be clear – we aren’t complaining about flying solo or hating on our married friends. In a world of infinite pressure to find The One, we’re speaking up on behalf of those who are single and loving it.

Being Single Makes Me Fat

When Arielle and I brainstormed this series, the first thing that came to my mind was the phrase, being single makes me fat.

What? How is that possible? First off, it’s a joke, but I see some rather (il)logical connections.

Sometimes, single women go in to “heat.” You have a surge of hormones or something that makes you want to make out with a guy. It is really a nasty condition because it tends to cloud your judgement, make you have to physically restrain yourself (at times) and occupy your mind until that need is met. This condition can last for a day or…months…depending on how strong the urge is.

TV, reading and even writing can distract you for a bit, but eventually, the judgement is gone and suddenly a non-related post you’re working on becomes random ramblings about wanting to just make out.

It’s kind of like being hungry and having not an ounce of food around you. Except, that’s where I find comfort when these devil feelings come over me.

So, to keep me from going to Wrigleyville and making an awful mistake at a bar like The Cubby Bear, I tend to throw food in my mouth rather than put my mouth on some poor man’s face. The ironic thing about being in heat? You don’t want to make out with just anyone, so it’s a slow form of torture if you don’t have a love interest.

Usually, my food drugs of choice are: candy (damn you sweet tooth), pastries (coffee cake) or beer, which actually makes it all worse because that’s when the dormant or tolerable “heat” feelings really fire up. So the thing you find comfort in, ends up making it worse. Cuts so deep.

And I know what you’re thinking, you’re an adult, you can control yourself and find other productive things to occupy your mind, like working out. I hear you, but I’m telling you, it is a temporary fix. Eventually, you re-surrender to those needs and your flirty comments with guys become a little more pointed or shy because your mind has moved to dangerous territory.

Know what fixes that? Bites of carby goodness like Munchkins, donuts, bread or a handful of chocolate so your hands aren’t grabbing someone’s shirt to make their mouth collide with yours.

In summary, my singleton heat cycle is: impure thoughts, eat, work out, eat to try to resist more impure thoughts, pray for it to be over.

And yes, once the need is met, you feel a wave of relief. Until it starts up again and I’m hitting the gym twice as hard and praying that my jeans don’t feel tighter.

Being single isn’t easy. And being in heat and wanting to make out doesn’t make me sad or pathetic, it makes me human.

Single Girl Confidential signing off for now.



  1. Paula says:

    Being single makes me drunk. A lot.

  2. TC says:

    Ooh, I love this series idea…I want to play too!! I thought my love of carbs was just cuz I like to eat delicious things, but I’m going to blame it hormones now…thanks! :)

  3. katelin says:

    love this series idea. but man, being married makes me fat, haha. it’s ridiculous how going out to eat or even eating at home and the portions end up being the same and that so is not how it should be. seriously trying to watch myself more because i can not eat like a boy, just doesn’t work out well for my figure, not one bit.

  4. being a comfortable relationship makes me fat!!

    when i first started dating CK i was all i need to work out, make him think i’m beaaautiful, blah blah blah.

    but a year a half later we are both admittedly in a happy relationship plumping phase has we both have gained about ten lbs since we started dating.

    i think it was all the beer this summer.

    i jokingly asked him if he would break up with me so i could drop some weight.

  5. Ha. I love it. Hilarious and true.

  6. allison says:

    well guess I’m joining a new group of talented ladies!

    while I just lost some weight from a break up, I need to make sure to keep that off when I’m finally ready to head back into the dating pool.

  7. looooving this! thank you!

  8. phampants says:

    And here I was hoping for a fun story about you getting some puma bate.

    Fyi, i’m dating a puma. I didn’t run fast enough so I got pounced. Not that i’m complaining. ;)

  9. Arielle says:

    Haha I love how your post is all about not giving in to the urge to make out with randoms and mine is…more or less the opposite. You are far classier than I am.

  10. Jen says:

    THANK YOU for every single word in this inaugural post for SGC. :)

  11. April says:

    And if you think being single makes you fat, the relationship comfort weight sucks too! Is the only time to be thinner after a nasty breakup?

  12. April says:

    I feel the same way about bloggers announcing pregnancies and chronicling the whole thing. Sometimes I think, “Dammit, I’m going to have to unsub from this one too!” because it gets to be baby overload. I guess bloggers are mostly just in that age range where it seems like everyone is settling down and exploding humans out of their vags.