That’s right, Arielle and I are back with another edition of Single Girl Confidential! But this time, instead of talking about being single making us fat or making out with guys, we’re both sharing our POVs on a recent New York Times’ Modern Love column.
The column, can be found here, and I shared it with pretty much every single friend I could right after TKTC sent it to me.
Arielle, had a different opinion on the article (her post is here), but there were a lot of things in the article that I could connect with.
The article is about a woman in her 30s coming full circle in her lack of dating experience as a potential suitor asks, so when was your last relationship?
Recently, someone asked me that same question. And I didn’t lie, but I didn’t exactly answer. Because I was embarrassed.
Knowing this person was previously in a long-term relationship, I was embarrassed to admit that my last one (really, relationship of any kind) was not recent…at all. Plus, I was embarrassed that I don’t have much dating experience. And later, when I really thought about it, I realized how paltry it is.
Why feel embarrassed by this? Well, it’s the inevitable question the author and I were both asked once, “what’s wrong with you?”
The short answer: NOTHING.
But for a long time, I thought there was SOMETHING wrong with me. My friends regularly dated guys, but not me. To try and fix the unknown problem, I went through a long period of dyeing my hair various colors, cutting it to various lengths, losing/gaining weight, changing my personality, sampling with make up and nitpicking things in my life because clearly, ONE of these items was keeping me from meeting Mr. Right.
And after all of that, he still never arrived. As friends got engaged or married, I was single and they kept telling me, “it’s going to happen,” “you’re too studious,” “men are intimidated by strong, independent women.” But it didn’t make me feel better. Finding solace in single friends helped but in the end, the article said it best, “I still asked myself, “What’s wrong with me?”
And it was after reading this that I started re-evaluting a few other things. For one, I stopped watching the Millionaire Matchmaker and unfollowed Patti Stanger on Twitter. While I know she says/does things for effect, I realized that her main message is about changing yourself looks/personality-wise to be what men want, not necessarily what you want. Sure, a push is needed sometimes, but I just don’t connect with that message anymore.
After years of trying to be someone else, I’m comfortable being me. Petite, red haired, big boobed and hipped, slightly awkward and a little dating naive.
And if I meet a guy who can look past my poor dating resume and love me for me, I’m open to having him in my life. And if not, I’m just fine being single. That’s something I wish the author in that article would have said because there is NOTHING wrong with being single. At all.
So thank you Modern Love for letting me know that I’m not all alone out there.
Single Girl Confidential signing off for now.
“After years of trying to be someone else, I’m comfortable being me. Petite, red haired, big boobed and hipped, slightly awkward and a little dating naive.”
THIS is the attitude we all need to have when it comes to meeting people – dating-wise or just as friends – and I think it’s something we all forget every once in a while. God knows I struggled with it in my teenage years and early 20s.
Thank you for posting this. And thank you for being YOU because, you know, you’re pretty fabulous, single or not!
“Petite, red haired, big boobed and hipped, slightly awkward and a little dating naive” – change the hair color to black and you could be talking about me. It’s great to read that there are a lot of us out there! Think of all the wonderful people (including just ourselves) we got to spend time with while not focusing on dating random men.
Last weekend I helped a friend shop for a first date outfit. It’s her first date since her divorce, and she asked me how long it’s been since I had a date. Not a relationship, but a date. Um, ten years. Now THAT is embarrassing.
Very nice.
I agree with the whole last part of your post.
If they can accept you for you than yay but if not keep it movin’.
My girlfriend is always actively looking and changing herself for guys and it irritates the shizz out of me. They won’t love you because your not being the REAL YOU.
I couldn’t agree more. Not only is it perfectly okay to be in your 20s and 30s and single, but it’s also okay to be at that age and child free by choice!
Excellent conclusion!
Love your response to this article. Couldn’t agree more.
Great article. I definitely can relate to this. Even at 26, I’ve wondered what’s wrong with me. It’s quite silly because I’m pretty amazing. And you are too. Just waiting for the right one, ya know? I’m glad you are willing to wait and be single and happy and adventurous. I really love that about you. Stay awesome, k?
I enjoyed reading that article, even as a married lady. Here’s my take: I loved being single because I’m super independent and have no problems with keeping myself company. My marriage is an extension of that, so I love being married too. I’m with a man who loves me for the independent and confident woman that I am. I love him, I don’t want anything to happen to him, but I also know who I am without him. When he’s gone for days at a time, I can function without him (unlike some codependent women I know). On the flip side, I was in a long-term relationship with a guy who did not want to love me for who I was, and it made me miserable without me even fully realizing it. In retrospect, being single and happy with myself and my life would have been a much better thing.
The point is, the question shouldn’t be are you ‘single or married/in a relationship’ and why aren’t you one or the other? The question should be, are you confident or not, and if the answer is not, then why? And what can we do to change that? Because confident ladies are awesome, be they single or married. They all know how to enjoy life, they all have their down moments and they all play an important role in the world.
I mean, obviously I love this. And you. And the fact that we will be united in our SGC awesomeness in one month!!!!
Here in Scotland the whole “dating” thing is just gathering momentum. People did go out on dates before but normally because someone had realised they both fancied each other and had mentioned it to the other one to give a bit of a push. What I am trying to say in a back to front way is that most Scottish people have a poor dating resume (or CV as we like to say) as well but really when the right one comes along does it matter how many dates or relationships you have had in the past??? Just you keep being you and one day the right guy will come along! However if he doesnt then that doesnt matter either. One of my best friends is in her 40s, has a very full and fun life, gets to go on trips and holidays whenever she wants, has a few flirtations every now and then and also does not have to put up with a bloke leaving his crap lying around! She is happy with her lot and thinks it would have to be someone very very special to change any of it! Life is what you make of it and reading your posts, you seem to make the most of it which is fantastic xx
Love it. And continue to love who you are.
My dating history is quite small and limited too. And the few there were pretty much ends at 6 months too… oh well!
You are awesome. Period.
love that article. and loved this post. could have written it myself!