In the last week, I’ve done a lot of thinking. About friendships, and one in particular.
In friendships, I tend to give, and give a lot. Sometimes, I get burned and when I do, I pick myself up, dust myself off and keep trying. I don’t want to give up on the people closest to me, even if they disappoint me. I want to keep trying because they mean that much to me.
But sometimes, something happens with that friend and I feel the last thread between us snap. And that’s it. I have to walk away, for now.
And that’s what happened recently. The last thread between me and someone I was once insanely close to, snapped.
Here’s the thing, I’m not always a great friend. I fuck up, make mistakes and probably disappoint people too. I can be self-absorbed, insecure and wallow in my own shit. My life is not perfect and being around me isn’t always fun.
But I always try to remind my friends that they mean a lot to me, so when I do fuck up, they know it’s not a regular thing.
Usually, time and distance changes my friendships, so when it is something so singular like this, it catches me by surprise.
I lash out, say mean things to no one and may point the finger back at them, but that doesn’t really matter because, whatever brought us here was a combination of the two of us.
I don’t like change, it’s scary, unknown and definitive. And while change has been good to me, when it involves losing the people I loved dearly, I am not a fan.
But Friday, I sent a final note to this person, my way of saying goodbye because things won’t be the same and I don’t want people like that in my life any more. It may be a bit lonelier but definitely more positive.
Jesus could I be any more vague? Holy shit.
How was your weekend?