I’m pretty open that I’ve read the entire Fifty Shades of Grey series. I even blogged about it after reading book one because, that shit was CRAZY!
And when friends asked if they should read it, I simply said, “the writing is SO awful, but the sex is hot.” I didn’t read it for literary wonder, just like I didn’t see Magic Mike for cinematic drama. I wanted one thing: smutty goodness.
And don’t get me wrong, there is some hot shit in those books, where I giggle uncontrollably because I’m immature but there is a flip side.
GAGGING from the insane cheesiness of the writing.
Now, let’s address some of my issues:
- “Laters baby.” Every time you read that, a kitten or puppy dies. NO ONE TALKS LIKE THAT. If a man said that to me, I would not have sex with him, no matter how hot he is
- The term, “vanilla sex.” Thank you for ruining my favorite ice cream flavor by comparing it to a boring sexual act. Seriously
- The Christian/Ana emails. Oh-my-god just pick up the fucking phone or text! And considering Ana didn’t even HAVE email before meeting him (which I don’t think ANYONE believes), it’s like watching two 17 yo girls talk, just with a BDSM undertone
- Christian as a dream man. When I envisioned my dream man, he definitely didn’t want to whip me with a flogger, refer to his penis as “the most important member of his family” (get it?) and ultimately wants to control your ever physical and sexual desire? Hmm, no thanks, I’ll take the Happy Meal version of emotionally damaged…to go
- “Aargh.” The reaction from Ana when Christian took her virginity. Nothing says romance or life moment like a pirate. A PIRATE, ARE YOU SERIOUS? Ahoy the virgin vag matey!
- The references to Ana’s “inner goddess.” First, this woman sounds like an Olympian in training with her gymnastic and figure skating abilities, but in my head, I keep picturing a drag queen wrapped in feather boas with fishnets and f*ck me heels. And then I throw up in my mouth. My inner goddess doesn’t need any of that. She takes a shot of tequila, does some lunges and then says, “let’s do this.”
The list could go on for hours, but I’ll end it here. My inner goddess is getting angry.
So in closing, Fifty Shades of Gray won’t win an award but if you’re looking for something to get your lady motor running, I’d recommend it.
Have you read all three books? Anything you’d like to add to this list?