09 July 2012

Fifty Shades of Snarky Grey

By: Jessica B.
Tagged: Random

I’m pretty open that I’ve read the entire Fifty Shades of Grey series. I even blogged about it after reading book one because, that shit was CRAZY!

And when friends asked if they should read it, I simply said, “the writing is SO awful, but the sex is hot.” I didn’t read it for literary wonder, just like I didn’t see Magic Mike for cinematic drama. I wanted one thing: smutty goodness.

And don’t get me wrong, there is some hot shit in those books, where I giggle uncontrollably because I’m immature but there is a flip side.

GAGGING from the insane cheesiness of the writing.

So when Arielle asked if I was interested in a snarky “review” of the books, I didn’t even hesitate. You can check out her review here, Lacey’s here and Debbie’s here.

Now, let’s address some of my issues:

  • “Laters baby.” Every time you read that, a kitten or puppy dies. NO ONE TALKS LIKE THAT. If a man said that to me, I would not have sex with him, no matter how hot he is
  • The term, “vanilla sex.” Thank you for ruining my favorite ice cream flavor by comparing it to a boring sexual act. Seriously
  • The Christian/Ana emails. Oh-my-god just pick up the fucking phone or text! And considering Ana didn’t even HAVE email before meeting him (which I don’t think ANYONE believes), it’s like watching two 17 yo girls talk, just with a BDSM undertone
  • Christian as a dream man. When I envisioned my dream man, he definitely didn’t want to whip me with a flogger, refer to his penis as “the most important member of his family” (get it?) and ultimately wants to control your ever physical and sexual desire? Hmm, no thanks, I’ll take the Happy Meal version of emotionally damaged…to go
  • “Aargh.” The reaction from Ana when Christian took her virginity. Nothing says romance or life moment like a pirate. A PIRATE, ARE YOU SERIOUS? Ahoy the virgin vag matey!
  • The references to Ana’s “inner goddess.” First, this woman sounds like an Olympian in training with her gymnastic and figure skating abilities, but in my head, I keep picturing a drag queen wrapped in feather boas with fishnets and f*ck me heels. And then I throw up in my mouth. My inner goddess doesn’t need any of that. She takes a shot of tequila, does some lunges and then says, “let’s do this.”

The list could go on for hours, but I’ll end it here. My inner goddess is getting angry.

So in closing, Fifty Shades of Gray won’t win an award but if you’re looking for something to get your lady motor running, I’d recommend it.

Have you read all three books? Anything you’d like to add to this list?

12 Comments

  1. allison says:

    picturing you saying “aargh” in a pirate voice has me on the floor laughing.

    So good – I had to share on Twitter.

    My favorite sex scene was the boat one with the handcuffs. Really? My ankle to wrist – gives a whole new meaning to the “happy baby” pose.

  2. Paula says:

    It sounds so goddamn awful I’m just glad I’ve never wasted any time reading it! :-)

  3. katelin says:

    haha this review is amazing. i still haven’t read it and i keep debating it, but man this is just too funny on its own. seriously your snark is the best and i can totally picture you saying all of this as you’re reading, love it.

  4. A Super Girl says:

    I just finished the third one last night! I agree on the inner goddess (and then the subconscious that gets introduced in the last two books). Ridiculous.

    The other thing? All the inner dialogue from Ana. Because it’s not unique. It’s the same stuff every time. “OMG I need to figure out what to do. I need some time to myself to think. But OMG, he’s such a beautiful man. But OMG, I need time to think.”

    That being said, I still thought they were good books. The smut factor, but also the plot actually thickened in the latter two books and that kept me intrigued.

  5. Nikkidd says:

    Okay, on this topic, I just have to comment. Your review above is precisely why I haven’t bothered to pick up the book at all. I just can’t get past that type of writing, particularly when there are so many other better books (both romance and BDSM/erotica) out there that are guaranteed to be much more “pleasurable.”

    I did, however, find the Slate book review podcast of the first book fascinating and worth a listen:http://www.slate.com/articles/arts/books/2012/06/e_l_james_s_fifty_shades_of_grey_audio_discussion_and_podcast_.html

  6. Gina says:

    Almost done with book no. 3. It’s crazy how “Mr. Mercurial” makes Ana “flush” all. the. damn. time.

    Your snarky review as great!

  7. Rachel says:

    Finally! I thought I was the only one who thought this way. I’ve been struggling to get through the first book because it is just. so. bad. but everyone else I talk to doesn’t even seem to mind the writing. You’ve put all my thoughts into words as I’ve been trying to read this terrible book for the past three months.

  8. Yes, all of that. So, so dumb. I wasn’t even remotely turned on by the sex scenes either–I don’t know… I just thought they were written so poorly, most of it seemed more awkward than hot! And the tampon scene?? Jesus, barffffff. I only read the first book, and then I threw it away because I didn’t even want the Goodwill people to know I’d sunk to that level, hahaha!

  9. Jenn says:

    I knew the writing was going to be bad going into it so I mostly overlooked a lot of the irritating stuff. It didn’t really start to bother me until book 2 or 3 when I noticed the patterns in her writing and the repetitiveness.

    I get all defensive when people completely write the book off just because of the writing because in spite of all of the mediocrity, I think it’s really cool that this BDSM life and culture is making its way into mainstream. Especially when you consider how many middle-aged women are reading the book.

    And apparently everyone but me hated the inner goddess thing? I guess it was kind of cheesy how she portrayed her, but I kind of like the idea of having an inner goddess that comes out! Haha. Maybe I belong in an awful romance novel? Someone call Fabio.

  10. Carolyn says:

    I am reading the first book and when I started it, the writing made me cringe. I thought I was reading something written by a teenager. I thiught I had downloaded a messed up copy to my nook, so when I was out at the store, I picked the book up off the shelf and flipped through a few pages. Same content, same writing. Damnit. Lol. Anyhow, I am reading it and, like Arielle said, live that we are all picking up in the same stuff. I’m at the part where he makes her meet mom. Umm, seriously?

  11. Arielle says:

    Hahaha I love how all of us picked up on some similar stuff. And then reading this review (and the others) and I’m like, “YES I HATED THAT TOO!” Amazing.

    Laters, baby.

  12. Kez says:

    Hahaha. Laters baby? Oh goodness. I have avoided this book so far. Part of me was being all rebellious because it’s all anyone talks about, but then I thought – there’s heaps better smutty stuff out there if that’s what I want! It makes me laugh that a book like this could be a bestseller (along with the others in the trilogy). I blame online purchasing of books. All the charts are filled with smutty titles because there’s less embarrassment when you can just download it straight to your reader!
    Your review pleases me and reinforces my decision not to read it!
    x

 

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