31 July 2012

What makes me reconsider dating

By: Jessica B.

Recently, a friend texted to tell me it was over with the guy she was seeing.

In that moment, I wanted to a) key something valuable to him and b) punch him in the dick.

And then it just made me angry because my next thought was, “again.”

Lately, I’ve noticed an angering and frustrating trend when talking to friends about dating and “relationships.”

They meet a guy, everything is great, puppies, rainbows and kittens and then, literally overnight, things change. The guy become distant, stops calling/texting or only respond when you initiate, and just slowly starts vanishing from your life. And when questioned, they either say “nothing’s wrong, I’m just in a weird mood,” or “I’m just having an off day,” and then finally, when you’ve asked again (because you don’t know what is going on), they finally tell you what this guy told my friend.

There is no rhyme, reason or trigger, no other girl they’ve hooked up with, or reason why they’ve suddenly changed their mind. One day it just happens and the sweet, funny guy you were seeing has become a cold, distant asshole who suddenly has relationship issues. Or issue he never mentioned before.

And it fucking pisses me off.

Because it’s selfish. And cowardly. And it’s cruel to intentionally treat someone like that.

This trend where guys think that by backing off and stopping the calls/texting/wanting to hang out that women will just “know” you don’t want to see them anymore enrages me.

It’s happened to my friends a lot lately and it happened to me.

My opinion of this is simple: Be a man. Don’t leave her hanging or torture her to make it easier on you. If you were man enough to ask me out, you are man enough to tell me it’s over.

And while my friend knew this is how it would likely end with this guy, it was sad to hear.

I know that women do this too and I’m sure from the guy perspective, it’s just as frustrating. And my feelings about this are the same toward women.

Where both sexes think that running away makes dealing with ending a relationship better, baffles me. Because it doesn’t, and usually, they do it because they’ve been hurt by some asshole guy or selfish girl too. So they pay it forward and do more damage at the same time.

There is no answer or resolution to this post or my frustration. It is what it is. Not all guys may be like this, but it makes me feel more skeptical about dating. If this inevitably where relationships end up right now, what is the point in trying?

Guess that’s the rhetorical end to this soapbox rant.





  1. kimmy says:

    UGH. I.HATE.THIS. I feel like I am a fairly considerate person and won’t hesitate to just say “thanks, but no thanks.” This happened to me last summer. I fell HARD for the guy, but he just literally vanished after almost 3 months of very regular dating. i was crushed and heartbroken. well he’s back in my life now. i have the same feelings toward him as i did then, but i just can’t shake the feeling that he’s going to bail again. i’m leaning towards letting him go b/c its not worth it!!

  2. Ya, this has happened to me and it sucks so bad. Ugh. I’m sorry your friend is going through this now. The only thing I can say is that even though dating can be absolutely awful at times, these bad experiences will make you so incredibly grateful when a good man with a good heart and a pair of balls actually treats you the way he’s supposed to. Hang in there.

  3. phampants says:

    Oww! Oww! Oww! What have I done?

  4. Oh yes, this happened to me many times. It may be easier to ignore, but it shows you’re an adult if you just own up to your lack of feelings for someone. It should be a common courtesy of being a human being.

  5. Dawn Irene says:

    Here is what gets me going: You pick up on the guy backing off, deal with it, and back off yourself, continuing on with your life. Then, three months later, you get some random text trying to re-establish contact. Every. damn. time.

  6. allison says:

    I’m guilty of it if it’s a guy i’ve met only a few times like Jenn said above.

    Is it because we live in such a digital world that it’s easy to hide and then claim “oh it wasn’t working?”

  7. Jenn says:

    Uhhh I’m pretty guilty of this actually. Although it really only happens with guys I’ve gone out with once or twice. I’m getting better at saying “thanks but I just didn’t feel a spark” over text, but sometimes it’s just easier to ignore a text and everyone moves on.

    I guess I’ve done it once or twice to someone I’ve gone out with a few times, but I don’t feel good about that and I try not to. In both cases I felt smothered all of a sudden – like we had skipped the “getting to know you” part and had jumped right into the “yay we’re dating!” and I was not prepared for it. Not an excuse of course. I wish everyone was better at saying how they feel because that would make it way easier for me to say it and not have someone get all mad about it (which has DEFINITELY happened).

  8. Erin says:

    YES. OMG YES. This is happening to me right now, I think. It’s hard to know because of the whole “distant” thing, which I suppose means that YES, IT’S HAPPENING. The thing that pisses me off the most is that it takes about 3 months for this to start to happen. If you stick it out, another month or two will go by, and 5 months of my life is gone on some dude who vanished slowly, one backwards step out of my life at a time.

  9. Arielle says:

    AMEN SISTA. I’ve seen this happen to so many of my friends recently too. Totally lame. GROW A PAIR, seriously.