Lately, I’ve been thinking about closure. Closure is a tough and funny thing.

The hardest part of closure is knowing that you’re closing one chapter (maybe one that you don’t want to end) and opening another, which is unknown, can be scary, and makes you vulnerable.

Especially when that closure comes from a decision that’s not yours.

When I know the end of something is upon me, I tend to have this overwhelming urge to hang on to what is there now and what was there in the past. Closure is the real end. Not the end where you think it’s done but have hope and a nagging feeling that lingers in the back of your mind. It’s the real end, where this person leaves and you know you won’t see them again and the promises of keeping in touch may actually just be a Band-Aid to make the news that much easier.

Closure is the real end where you are forced to really move on and not hold on to a baby, teeny, miniscule part of your brain that says, hey maybe things will work out. You never know?

You do know, now. And it won’t end the way you wanted it too.

Lately, I’ve been feeling a lot of emotions about closure. All of them sad, bittersweet and scared at the same time, and all of them make me wonder what is next.

And right now, I feel okay. Sad, but okay. And I’m letting myself feel that still now and for the next few days. And then, it will be time to slowly start to let go and look ahead to what is next.

Closure is a funny thing, because as much as it hurts, it has to be a sign that maybe you’ll be that much more free at the end.

I’ll preface this post by saying that it will be slightly dramatic because that is how I’m feeling today.

Since February, I’ve been training for a 5K through Chicago Endurance Sports. It’s been tough and challenging and I love it. It was also part of my 2013 goals and given me a lot of what I was looking for in this new test.

And now I have to stop, immediately. And, well, I’m pretty upset.

Over the weekend I started developing really bad heel pain, which I thought was part of just “learning to run.” Let me tell you, it is PAINFUL to learn a new sport sometimes.

Sunday, I ran through it, and it was excruciating. So, to be proactive, I went to a physical therapist for a free injury screening and am going again tomorrow for a second opinion.

And they told me exactly what I didn’t want to hear: Achilles tendinitis.

No running, excessive walking, or elliptical machines for a few weeks (depending on the level of pain). And when the pain does go away, I have to start over with running to slowly ease in to it again.

They may as well have cut my leg off. *dramatic*

That means, very likely no 5K at the end of April or, I definitely won’t be running all of it, which was my original goal. And with vacation in early May, I definitely can’t jeopardize it.

I’m crushed by this for several reasons. Running made me feel stronger and in shape. And now hearing that I have to stop everything altogether (minus some weight training), is upsetting.

I finally got in to a good rhythm and space and now I have to stop.

I hate my body and I’m trying to keep the negative, self-defeating thoughts away too.

So, I’m going to allow myself to be sad and upset, and then I will focus on getting better. Because I will not be in pain while on vacation. And I will NOT let this stop me.

I will run, I will do a 5K and I will run all of it.

But for now, there is still some disappointment and errant tears.

Last week, I read the latest post from the amazing Nicole over at A Life Less Bullshit and it got me thinking.

The post was called: It’s Okay to Not Be Okay

Seriously, this girl is in my brain. I highly recommend it.

But what got me thinking is about something I’m working on in my personal life. It’s okay to be….okay.

Last year, drama and upheaval tend to find me. From friends to boys to family to work, there seemed to be something that’s always going awry. It was exhausting and emotionally taxing and it felt like any time anyone asked me what was new, there was always something bad or wrong.

But now, I’ve been making some changes and I feel okay. And I’m trying to focus on being okay and enjoy it, rather than wait for the shoe to drop.

Work is good, health good (or getting back to good), mood is good, running is good, friends are okay, family is good overall things are good or okay.

And that’s okay!

After spending so many parts of 2012 a broken mess, I’m enjoying this feeling of balance.

Things may not always be okay and there may be bad days, but for now, I’m enjoying where I’m at. And hoping it continues.

I love surprises. And this weekend, I decided to surprise my grandma, who turned 90 years old on Friday. Ninety, like, that is amazing. And a full life of love, family, friends, travel and, well LIFE and change.

My mom coordinated a lunch for her on Saturday in Wisconsin and “the kids” were a surprise waiting for her at the table. In fact, when I called my grandma (from the train) on Friday, she said, “I was hoping you would come up for my lunch,” and I LIED. Lied that I wasn’t able to make it.

And when she saw me and my brother/SIL on Saturday, she got emotional (cue tears from me too).

It was really a great surprise, great lunch and great visit. I’m so glad I was able to go home and be part of it.

So here’s a photo of my grandma from her big day, she is too cute.

She did ask when I was getting married, but I’ll let that go because, well she’s 90, she can say whatever she wants by now :)

My quick trip home also allowed me to see this face too. So adorable, I cannot even handle it.

How was your weekend?