Archive for November 2013

20 November 2013

Humble thanks

By: Jessica B.
Tagged: Random

There really isn’t a full post today, but more of a thank you.

The feedback and response to my last post was really overwhelming, in a good way.

The comments, calls, texts, likes, etc. really meant a lot and reassured me that putting it out there to the internet (knowing family and coworkers read it) doesn’t have to be scary.

Depression is something I’ve battled on and off for a long time. And it took a really dark period, where I didn’t know if I would get out of it, and wondered if I would give in to the bad things I wanted to do, in order to really speak about it and tell people what happened.

For a long time, I thought I had to do things on my own. That I shouldn’t bother my friends with problems or ask for help because it’s a sign of weakness. And this was another good reminder that I don’t have to do that. That I have people in my life that care and are there to help when I need it. But, I have to also take that step forward sometimes to ask.

I hope I never fall back in to the depression that almost swallowed me whole once, but, if things get tough, I know now who I can go to for help, and who will be there to listen.

Thank you again. JB

 

13 November 2013

One Year

By: Jessica B.
Tagged: Random

It has been a year.

And the truth is, I don’t know how to commemorate it. And I don’t know how to talk about it, other than just say, hey, here’s what happened. I look back at what things were like a year ago and see how far I’ve come, but also how much more I have to go still. And that’s not necessarily a bad thing.

I feel more solid now, still shaky and unsure about some things, but more stable. More in tune with what lead to it happening, and why I acted the way I did after.

Vague enough?

Last year at this time, I feel in to a bad depression. One where the anger and frustration that I tried to keep a lid on, imploded, and it took me under.

And I could not get out of it.

I didn’t want to hurt myself, but I knew something was wrong when I stared in the mirror and wanted to cut off all of my hair. And then, I went to an event with friends, drank too much and the feelings that pulled me under tried to come out and led to me getting completely out of control.

And that whole time, I never asked for help. Or told anyone. Because I was embarrassed and scared that they wouldn’t help me. And when I finally could/did tell them, some were more supportive than others. It was a huge learning experience.

And I finally did get out of it, but it’s taken a long time to come back to feeling like me, and do things to keep that from (hopefully) happening again.

One year later, one year better.

So, I don’t know how to close off comments in WP, so they’re open but the reason I shared this is part of my new blogging policy about honesty, both good and bad. So hopefully you guys will be supportive too.

 

11 November 2013

10K

By: Jessica B.
Tagged: Random

So, this weekend, I ran, and completed, my first 10K.

In July, I finally met my goal of running a 5K in 2013, and asked myself, what next? And, I decided to kick it up a notch, and gave myself more than enough time to train. Well, then I ran in to a few setbacks again (thanks for my marathon jubilation for my male BFF) and, well, I was ready for this, but not as ready as I wanted to be.

But, race day still came.

And it was hard. Yes, TWSS, but I’m not kidding. It was extremely difficult. Call it non-traditional carbo loading, call it not enough water, but I just could not get in a groove, which made 6.1 miles….long.

There were times my legs ached, I couldn’t breathe, felt dizzy, wanted to throw up, or just wanted to cry because I kept thinking, “I JUST WANT THIS TO BE OVER.” And when I crossed the finish line, I threw my hands up in joy because I was done (the photo should be interesting).

Sometimes, it’s hard not to compare myself to other runners. I wish I was that person that could start running and within a month, I’m at a 9 minute mile. But, that’s not my story. I’m not about speed, I’m about endurance, and distance.

And now, I’ve logged 6. 1 miles.

Official time: 1 hour, 11 minutes, 1 second. 11:28 pace.

Given that I totally fell apart in the last mile (and felt like shit), I was STUNNED by my time. This is 5-7 seconds faster per mile than I’ve paced in my last two 5K’s and this was double the distance.

And I got a pretty sweet medal, which I wore so proudly. While my male BFF and I were on our way home, tourists came up to congratulate us and it was…a really cool feeling.

So, what’s next (again?) Right now, a little break, and then back at it. I’m going to keep on the 10K training for now and feel more secure with the 4-6 mile distance. And then it’s time to start planning for the next race and possibly, a half marathon.

And on a sappy note, a big thank you to my friends and family who have been so supportive, wishing me luck Friday/Saturday, texting and checking in on how it went, and for two special friends who came down to surprise me pre- and post-race with signs!! I am one sore, happy and tired lady :)

 

07 November 2013

Three True Things

By: Jessica B.
Tagged: Random

First, I want to say thank you to everyone who commented and reached out about the last post on dating. It’s not easy to put it all out there sometimes, and knowing I’m not the only one feeling that way, helps. So thanks!

Next, I didn’t really know what to title this post, so, I thought I would be straightforward.

I’ve mentioned here that since I returned from Germany/Ireland, things have felt…weird. And, that’s still the case, but in talking to a friend about some challenges she was dealing with, I told her about my new “Three Things” theory.

It means that no matter what obstacles or issues you face, friends, family, job, boyfriend, apartment, etc., you know three true things about yourself that will never change.

So here are mine:

  1. I am good at my job and smart. No matter what I do in my career, I know those things
  2. I would be a good girlfriend or partner
  3. I’m a great friend (that’s not narcissistic, it’s the truth).

I know I could be a better daughter or granddaughter, but finally, I know myself well enough where the above three points will always be true, during good and bad.

Although, I have a few guys who could dispute #2 and know several people who weren’t ready for #3, hahahahaha.

So what’s the point of knowing these things? They are the guiding force for relationships I have and how I guide myself through life. And I have to be okay to know that not everyone will get it.

And when I told my friend this, even counting them out on my fingers, she looked at me wide-eyed and was like, “you go girl.”

Fuck yeah, go me.