13 November 2013

One Year

By: Jessica B.
Tagged: Random

It has been a year.

And the truth is, I don’t know how to commemorate it. And I don’t know how to talk about it, other than just say, hey, here’s what happened. I look back at what things were like a year ago and see how far I’ve come, but also how much more I have to go still. And that’s not necessarily a bad thing.

I feel more solid now, still shaky and unsure about some things, but more stable. More in tune with what lead to it happening, and why I acted the way I did after.

Vague enough?

Last year at this time, I feel in to a bad depression. One where the anger and frustration that I tried to keep a lid on, imploded, and it took me under.

And I could not get out of it.

I didn’t want to hurt myself, but I knew something was wrong when I stared in the mirror and wanted to cut off all of my hair. And then, I went to an event with friends, drank too much and the feelings that pulled me under tried to come out and led to me getting completely out of control.

And that whole time, I never asked for help. Or told anyone. Because I was embarrassed and scared that they wouldn’t help me. And when I finally could/did tell them, some were more supportive than others. It was a huge learning experience.

And I finally did get out of it, but it’s taken a long time to come back to feeling like me, and do things to keep that from (hopefully) happening again.

One year later, one year better.

So, I don’t know how to close off comments in WP, so they’re open but the reason I shared this is part of my new blogging policy about honesty, both good and bad. So hopefully you guys will be supportive too.

 

16 Comments

  1. Wow, I’m really late in reading this. I’m glad you were able to ask for help. It’s such a tough thing to do, and there’s always plenty more crap to wade through even once you have. I am glad you’re feeling a bit more like yourself, but I love you no matter how you feel!

  2. katelin says:

    so proud of you and always here for you friend xoxox

  3. I think it’s great that you shared this. It happened. You made it through it. We all have our dark times and if one person reads this and it makes it easier for them to see that they can make it through their time too…then you did a very good thing.

  4. jon says:

    Hey, right on! It can be a cyclical thing, but as long as you know you have good people on your side, you’re good. If you need to email a stranger with all your bad feelings, email me. I’m not a doctor, though.

  5. Sending lots of hugs. Thanks for sharing, I know so many of us try to hide the unhappy things in our lives, especially when blogging. Glad to hear things are going better.

  6. Mandy says:

    Wishing I could reach through the computer and give you a hug. I’ve been there. Alone. You’re so incredibly brave for sharing. XO

  7. Karen says:

    I’ve been there as well … in the months before I left the military, I used to sit in my work parking lot 10, 20, sometimes 30 minutes, talking myself into going into work, saying “it won’t be that bad”. I don’t think anyone really knew what I was going through until I left active duty; all of a sudden my friends and family couldn’t stop remarking at how much happier I was. That light at the end of the tunnel is so awesome, it was almost worth going through that dark patch. Almost.

  8. Mary Metcalf says:

    Like Kelly…long time reader, first time commenter..so happy you shared that. Big believer that more need to understand depression and that every person that shares their story helps. It runs in my family and so proud of those that face it head on.

  9. Lacey Bean says:

    I wish you wouldn’t have gone through that alone, but I know hard it is to share/let people in when you’re in the thick of it. Glad you have the courage/strength to share now, and that you’re doing better. <3 <3

  10. I’m totally proud of you!!

    xoxo

  11. It’s hard to talk about depression, but when we do, we find how many others it affects as well. One iof depressions sinister symptoms is how alone it makes us feel. You aren’t alone.

  12. Hugs and cheers to you, friend.

    I was at a similar point earlier this year and I was just thinking about how that feels like a year ago. I’m so thankful for perspective, growth and all of the lessons learned.

  13. I am glad you didn’t close the comments, because otherwise I wouldn’t be able to say that I am so sorry you went through that and I am so glad for you that you’re starting to feel like yourself again. There is nothing worse than being depressed and feeling you can’t ask for help – you never know where to start. I understand. I’ve been there. You are so not alone – even though the depression lies and says you are.
    Big hugs and may the next year be much happier xxx

  14. Stevie says:

    I’ve totally been there and I totally understand. Hugs to you, friend.

  15. Ashley says:

    Apparently you and I went through the same thing last year at roughly the exact same time. I can imagine you felt very alone, as did I. I’m sorry to hear you had to go through that but I’m glad you’re better. I hope you never have to return to that place but if you do, know that you can always email or message me. Thank you for being so honest about it! <3

  16. Kelly says:

    Long time reader, first time commenter…. thank you so much for sharing.

 

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