Disclaimer: I’m talking about feelings in this one.
As part of the new year, I’ve been thinking about my goals and changes I want to make to keep me on the good path that I’ve set forth for myself. This means addressing my issues, dealing with my depression and trying to find out who the real JB is and what she wants.
And one topic that’s come up in this journey has been about what I deserve, and what I want.
I’m not a selfish person. I give. I love deeply, feel intensely and dream big. But, when it comes to thinking about me and what I want, I am a little stinted in my growth.
Growing up, I spent so much time worried about others. What they thought, how they felt and how I could keep them close. Sometimes, that meant being loyal to or loving those who didn’t deserve it, or didn’t give back. And I took what I could because it was better than nothing.
But now, what I’ve been seeing on my road to wherever it takes me, is that those relationships only gave me crumbs of love, affection and friendship. And while that can be temporary, sometimes, that’s just who people are. And knowing how I feel and love and care, they take, rather than offer a shred of what I do back to me.
So I’m settling for crumbs when I deserve so much more.
I deserve someone who loves me for me. And I deserve friends who are really there for me and reciprocate friendship. I don’t want the fade in and out, I want someone who is there and present.
And in evaluating some relationships in my life, that means cutting some people loose. One of which, is bittersweet. It took a lot of thinking and counsel from my closest friends to put myself first and what is best for me. They reminded me that there is so much to love about me and that I deserve that, in addition to want that myself.
So I said goodbye to someone I loved a long time ago but only got crumbs from after. And a certain point, I just had to stop.
Because for the first time in a LONG time, I love me more. And I deserve more.
Realizing what you deserve is liberating, but cutting those loose who don’t align with it, is harder. But only for now.