19 November 2014

Change in perspective

By: Jessica B.
Tagged: Random

Death casts a long shadow. And for someone with little experience with it, I still learning how to emerge from it.

It’s been a week since my Grandma passed. One week. And it’s been almost two weeks since we got the news about her health and I rushed back to Wisconsin.

Now, I’m back in Chicago and trying to get back in to a routine.

But it feels, weird. The sun still shines, wind blows, and breakfast needs to be made, showers taken, etc. But it just feels different.

The best way to describe how it feels is this:

Imagine a table with cards on it. Organized, meticulously placed in various spots. You stare over the cards, pleased with where things are, how to find them, and adjust them accordingly. Now, imagine someone comes over and flips the table, Real Housewives-style. For a moment you stare at the mess and are like WTF do I do now?? Slowly, you start picking the cards up, and try to place them back on the table where they were before. Then, someone else comes over, watches you work and then flips the table again, cards scattering everywhere. Only this time, you don’t know how to pick the cards up again.

That’s kind of how I feel in this moment.

So for now, I get up and slowly get back to what I did pre-passing.

But the biggest change since I’ve been back is that in my perspective. Things that seemed “earth shattering” before, no longer do. Relationships that bothered me before, or didn’t really make me happy, seem all the more stark and toxic. And, the direction you thought you were heading, even after losing my job, suddenly seems fuzzier. It’s a very confusing time.

Mostly though, I’m trying to just no feel all the time. Take a break from the intense emotion of the last few weeks, and just kind of…be.

I know this will all get better in time. So given the rather downer turn this blog has taken in the last few weeks, I hope you guys will bear with me too.

 

5 Comments

  1. ChiliMac says:

    Having lost all 4 of my grandparents ranging from a long and drawn out battle with cancer to a sudden heart attack I can full appreciate how you feel and my prayers are with you.

    Having said that I want to share one piece of knowledge I wish I knew then but I learned when my dad passed away last year. When you lose a grandparent you love deeply it is painful. When you lose a parent you love deeply it’s infinetly more painful. Take care of yourself, make sure you grieve as you need to, but also make sure you’re there for your parents.

    I hope that doesn’t come across as out of bounds at all. Prayers are with you and your family.

  2. I know exactly how you feel — I remember feeling exactly the same way when my cousin passed away. Death really does bring a certain gravity to your perspective in life. Just know that it’s totally ok to feel the way you feel for as long as you feel it. You soul will rearrange itself over time to make room for you to live and function with your grief.

    If you haven’t ever read it before, you might check out Cheryl Strayed’s Tiny Beautiful Things. There is a column or two in there about grief that really rang true for me in how I’ve faced my own feelings about my loved ones’ deaths.

    Thinking about you, lady.

  3. Akirah says:

    My grandmother died earlier this year as well. It’s weird and awful and painful and sad. I knew she was going to go soon…she was sick for awhile. It doesn’t make it any easier though. I’ll be thinking of you these next few months. The adjustment is different for everyone, but I think for me, it’s been hard to realize how life keeps changing. Watching my mother mourn was also pretty hard for me.

  4. Courtney C says:

    So sorry to hear about your grandma’s passing. I think you are doing the right thing though by allowing yourself to just be! I bet you’ll experience a lot of self-growth during this time. HUGS.

  5. Ah, that’s grief for you. Deal with it however you need to. Just take it a day at a time – it annoyingly does not agree with our timelines for ‘getting over it’. They say you don’t get over it. You just learn how to live with it and hopefully it all gets a bit better over time.
    Definitely keeps things in perspective, that’s for sure! I took a while with both of my grandparents (we lost them last year). It was stressful because we had to travel interstate both times so the build up to that felt monumental and then the ‘come down’ afterwards was also hard, because we weren’t just getting back to real life, but we were recovering from travel and a massive upheaval in routine. I feel ya.
    I still have random days where I feel suddenly sad or sentimental. When the cards don’t come on special occasions or when I get handed down something special my Nanna got me when I was little with her writing in it. Just feel the feelings and work through them. There’s no rules for grief – except I am insisting you take care of yourself mentally and physically <3