Archive for January 2015

05 January 2015

Auntie love

By: Jessica B.
Tagged: Random

Yesterday, I watched at least 10x a one-minute video of my nephew laughing, which was captured by my SIL’s phone.

It was so fabulous.

The sound of his laughter is my new favorite sound (well, actually champagne popping is still my absolute favorite, so, sorry nephew).

You guys, auntie love is the absolute best.

My nephew is only 4.5 months old and I fucking love that kid so much, it is the best kind of overwhelming.

His face, ears, nose, mouth and smile are so cute, I love them.

Sure, he cries, loudly sometimes, and spits up…a lot, and on a regular basis I’m smelling like formula or trying to detangle his fingers from my hair or necklace, but when he looks at me and smiles, like he kinda maybe knows who I am, it just melts my cold dead heart.

When I was home, sometimes, we sat in the back seat together and I sang to him or sang along to music for him and we just stared at each other. He probably thought “who the hell is this person and why is she sitting next to me?” And me thinking/saying, “I LOVE YOU SO MUCH.” Creepy!!

Each time I saw him this fall, it was like something new was happening. He was smiling, giggling, chewing his hand (or anything he can fit in his mouth) and then…ROLLING OVER. And now, I won’t get to see him for a few months and it kind of breaks my heart. He’ll be so different then! Different? He’s so cute now!

The photos on my phone are now 90% of him. I even marked some as “favorites” just so I can streamline what I show others. For real.

When I said goodbye to him after Christmas, I cried. Hard. Like really hard. Holding him as tight as I could, kissing his head and cheeks and his perfect nose, ears, etc. It just killed me that I won’t see him again for a while. What if he forgets about me???

The hardest part about loving him so much is that I’m not local. So I miss these moments with him, seeing him daily, seeing him do new things (like roll back over again), hearing his voice and that look he gives me when he sees me and just is like “HI HOW ARE YOU. I MAY KNOW WHO YOU ARE.”

My SIL and brother do a great job of sharing photos but I just wish I could put a camera on him so I could see him at any second. Yeah, it sounds creepy, but it’s family, so it’s okay.

So, that’s all I have for now. Given the heavier topics covered here lately, I thought I’d just write about how much I love my nephew. Because I do, a lot.

Do you guys feel this way about your nieces or nephews?

01 January 2015

2015!

By: Jessica B.
Tagged: Random

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!!!

It is officially 2015. And, as I’m sure you can all imagine. I’m NOT unhappy to see 2014 end. Which is weird because I prefer even-numbered years. But as you know, this one kicked my ass a bit so….NOPE NOT SAD.

Today, I re-read my post welcoming in 2014 and this time, I didn’t feel emotional reading it. Maybe it’s because I have a small cold and am on the couch resting. Or maybe I’m still feeling just a bit unemotional about stuff.

But in looking back at this year, despite the bad, there have been some great moments too.

Highs: Soldier Field 10-mile race (AMAZING), Paris and Amsterdam, birth of my nephew (who is so cute I cannot even handle it), reconnecting with a friend from college (who I still talk to regularly), connecting with new people in the city, depression under control, reconnecting with family at hospice while waiting for my grandma to pass.

Lows (quick revisiting): Job loss, grandma dying, stress fracture, giving up the marathon, temporary-ish weight gain from medication.

Now that 2014 is done, I don’t forget the lows, but choose to focus more on the highs, so they don’t get lost in the shuffle. Because they were still great things.

So, what have I learned?

I learned about loss.

Real loss. Loss of security, identity, and realizing that no matter how much you think you have your shit together in life, it can change in an instant. And you have no control over it and how it is resolved.

I learned that life is really too fucking short to be unhappy. And that choosing to be happy is really fucking easy, for those who want it.

And sadly, I know people who choose not to be.

I spent so much time in the last few months and years feeling unhappy about things I could change, but didn’t. Or feeling guilty because I wanted things and instead, denied myself them.

Fuck.that.shit.

Choosing to be happy is really simple. You ask yourself what you want, and you go after it. Or, outline the steps you need to take to get you there. And if you don’t know, what are you going to explore to maybe help you find it. And don’t give negative people, things, or moments any more energy than needed. Because they will suck you dry (TWSS) and bring you to their own unhappy level.

I’ve had a long look in the mirror, reminding myself of the following: If you’re not happy, change it. Or don’t, but then don’t complain about what the results you don’t get. And if you choose to complain, acknowledge your choices that affected those outcomes.

After everything that’s happened, I learned that decisions are really that easy.

So hopefully this realization and change in perspective serves me well in the next year.

Happy New Year everyone, I hope you had a great evening celebrating and my best wishes to you and yours for 2015.

I’ll be back again before I leave, not sure what my posting schedule will be while I’m gone, if I will. Internet where I’m going isn’t the most reliable. So we’ll see.