Birthdays. An odd adult experience where you want it to feel as magical as it did when you were younger, but ultimately face more scheduling issues and unrealistic expectations which result it feel more like hassle than anything else.
Today is my birthday. And, it’s kinda weird. Not because I didn’t expect it, but more like, because it feels very different this year.
Last year was a TERRIBLE birthday. It was a combo of a non-quarter life crisis that was coupled with personal issues and the beginning of the end of life as I knew it (as of then.) It was a horrible time of change and sadness and just feeling like, “what the fuck am I doing??”
I tried then to put on a good face, but it was a facade. I sat at restaurants, dejected, beaten down and just feeling like, is this it? Friends rallied last minute to meet up for drinks and surprising me with cheesecake, and that was truly the only bright spot of that weekend. And as much as I love that group of people that rallied around me, I just couldn’t feel the joy because I was just in such a bad place, entertaining very terrible thoughts in my head.
So, now it’s one year later.
And this time, rather than feel dejected and sad. I feel good. And, I’m not sucking down Old Fashioneds, trying to let the bourbon numb my emotion. But I did have a few Negroni slushies with friends, and I enjoyed it in delightful moderation.
I am in a much better place today than I was last year. Not everything is perfect or how I want it to be, but it’s still a lot better, and it feels weird, with the emotional ghosts of last year feeling very close (for some reason).
And given the change since last year, I don’t feel like making a big production of my birthday. Instead, I planned fun things throughout the weekend (and even in to tomorrow) to enjoy this feeling of “betterness” and focus on that and the things and people I love. It may be anti-climactic or boring, but when you finally start to feel better, and see the growth from the year before, I’d rather just savor that, rather than make a production of it.
Ta ta for today.