Archive for September 2015

20 September 2015

Date check…mate?

By: Jessica B.
Tagged: Random

I love going out but I hate the many-times awkward moment that occurs when the check arrives. The “Oh how much did you have? Okay does that include tip? Do you need change” moment where conversation can die and damper the evening. Because after you argue over who had three mimosas rather than coffee or how much did Sarah REALLY eat of the calamari appetizer, you’re kinda like, so….the weather today was great!

But while I’ve been able to maneuver the social check situation with friends, I am a bumbling awkward idiot when it comes to that moment on dates….or “maybe” dates.

The first real guy I dated, never paid for me. Ever. We always went Dutch. He said that he “didn’t want to insult me because I am a progressive, independent woman.” It took me years to realize he was being a cheap fuck. And that scarred me to any future dates and not knowing if a guy would actually pay for our meal or drinks.

I’m not kidding.

And while I’m a progressive, modern woman who makes a good living and can financially support herself, I want chivalry. I want old fashioned romance and dates where the guy steps up like a fucking man and pays. Especially if he asks me out. I’ve been in relationships where I’ve picked up the tab at times but in the early stages of dating, IMO, the guy should pay.

I always offer to leave tip, or take my wallet out as a genuine gesture to pay, and every single time after cheap as fuck college guy, guys will take care of it or tell me no. But, I like to offer.

So, fast forward to Saturday night and being on date #2 with a guy who gives great text and has a lot of common interests as me, and after a pricey meal at a place he chose (with wine and apps), the bill arrives and he says to my face, “so let’s just split it down the middle, that’s fair.”

Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh……….okayyyyyyyyyyyy.

Conversation was good, but not THAT good. And, the date didn’t really start out on a good foot when he (dressed in jeans, polo and a suit jacket – a big step up from his Bristol Renaissance Fair-like outfit from date #1) said “thank you” to my compliment about his outfit, then proceeded to look me up and down and say nothing in return. Ouch. BURN.

After that moment of settling up the bill, he’s like, “let’s go for a nice walk.” To which I accompanied, and he made no effort or even cheap attempt to hold my hand. And, then I realized, I don’t have to fucking stay out here and walk around making small talk. I paid for my meal, I’m going home! So after about 15-20 minutes of awkward post-check conversation (where the fact that we split it felt like the biggest elephant sucking the air out of the room), I said, “yeah I’m tired, I’m going home.”

I wasn’t tired, but I was ready to go home. Oh well, one down.

How do you handle the bill situation on dates?

 

14 September 2015

The Love Languages

By: Jessica B.
Tagged: Random

No I’m not making this up. And it’s not like the “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus,” kind of thing.

It’s a book called, The 5 Love Languages, written by a man named Gary Chapman, who is a pastor and marriage counselor. The book exists for a variety of audiences, singles, couples, parents with teens, etc.

And the root of the book is to discover your “love language” so you know, as well as others, how to communicate with you and show love and affection, both in platonic and romantic relationships.

A friend of mine gave me the single edition of the book about a year ago and it was very insightful about me and how I communicate, and is a fascinating topic of conversation with friends who have also read it.

The five love languages are listed below (with a brief description of each):

  1. Words of Affirmation – Positive reinforcement or words to a friend or partner
  2. Acts of Service – Physical acts of service, like helping around the house, picking up something because it made you think of them, etc.
  3. Receiving Gifts – Pretty straightforward, giving tangible gifts to someone to show appreciation
  4. Quality Time – Giving someone your undivided attention when you are together, not being distracted by phones, other people, etc.
  5. Physical Touch – Hugs, hand holding, pats on the back, basically both sexual and non physcial interaction

The moment I picked up the book, I knew what my love language would be. And when I took the quiz at the end of the book (which you can also find here), I was not shocked by my #1 language, but also that there was one very closely behind it.

My languages are (in order):

  1. Acts of Service
  2. Quality Time
  3. Words of Affirmation
  4. Physical Touch
  5. Receiving Gifts

And the gap between 1 and 2 was like, one point. When I talked to a few female friends, they also had Acts of Service as their #1 language too (I only had one friend who had the above list in opposite order. According to her, she’s “all about the gifts.” That’s fine!)

One friend joked that, “I don’t need a boyfriend, I need an intern!” Well, yeah that would be nice, a boyfriend/intern mix. But really, you know what gets me hot? Having a guy listen to what I say, remember it, and pick it up because it made him think of me. A guy that helps me break down boxes from online shopping or helps me drop off items for donation. It’s little acts like that, that resonate the most with me. Why? Because I am the same way. That’s how I was raised, by doing acts of service to show appreciation and affection. So, that did not surprise me.

But now that I think about it, quality time is really important to me. Look, I’m guilty of taking the phone out when with friends, or checking Instagram while they’re in the bathroom. But when we are having dinner or hanging out, my phone is in another part of the room. And if I need it to take a photo of something, I do, then immediately put it away.

IMO, this is the tricky one. Because 90% of my friends are out with me but also on their phones. And it bothers me, a lot. Because they’re there, but not really there. But, I can’t exactly say, hey I think that’s really rude that you would rather sit with me but text with whomever while we eat. So, not much I can do about that, except try to change my own actions.

I was not surprised how low Receiving Gifts ranked for me. I appreciate gifts and yes, I do enjoy them, but I have a job, depending what I want to buy, I can buy it myself.

So, I would say the book is worthwhile to check out if you know someone who has it. IMO, the only part I could have done without is the overkill on explanation of stories and religious references/passages. But that’s a personal thing.

What’s your love language?