Hello everyone! I know I’ve been gone for a while again, but things have been a bit busy. But I am back today to talk about goals.

This may not come as a surprise, but, I’m a bit rigid about my goals. If I’m committed to them, I commit 100% and cannot settle for not meeting them. That means, if things change in making those goals, I get upset or even frustrated. It wasn’t going how I planned? I WILL NOT STAND FOR IT.

For example, I set a goal for this year of learning to run and completing a race. I joined a running group through Chicago Endurance Sports and was set to run a 5K with my group today.

I did not run that race :(

As I’ve written here, not long after I started running, I was sidelined with a frustrating and annoying injury that had me laid up for 2 weeks and in physical therapy (which I’m wrapping up now).

So, I didn’t get to “meet” my goal of learning running and completing a race, well, not completely. And leading up to today, I’ve struggled with feeling like I’ve failed. But I didn’t. And I have to remind myself of that because my goal of doing this is for 2013, which isn’t over yet. There is still time. And just because I didn’t run this race, doesn’t mean I won’t run another.

To help me get out of this spiral of negativity, I decided to make my own, unofficial 5K. The “Lakeview 5K,” where I mapped a 3.5 mile course in my beloved Chicago neighborhood.

So, this morning, I got up, stretched, dressed and set out to run that course. And to be safe, I brought my bus pass and credit card in case of emergency.

But I didn’t need them. Because I finished.

I ran/walk the entire course at at a 3/2 interval (as prescribed by PT), and kept a consistent 12.3 minute mile, which I was pacing at before I was injured.

I made it through the entire run with absolutely no pain and only a few moments of feeling worn out. There were moments that I wanted to give up and just walk, or I felt a tingle in my ankle and feared the pain would start again, but I just said, “you can do this, keep going,” and I did.

3.5 miles running/walking may be nothing to many people but for me, this is a huge accomplishment. I cannot stop smiling and feeling a sense of immense pride in myself.

So I didn’t complete my full goal yet. But I will.

So, if you’ve read my last two posts, you know that things have been a little bumpy the last few weeks. Between the running injury and closure, it’s been a little bit of a down cycle.

But now it’s a new month and I can’t fix what’s happened, so I’m trying to be more positive about things. And to quote a friend of mine, I’m looking at my silver linings.

And without further ado, here are the silver linings to having a bum ankle, not being able to work out and having a scab on your heart ripped off and exposed:

• Cooking. I am able to do more at home right now and make actual meals, not eat popcorn or cereal for dinner on a regular basis (full disclosure: I’m eating cereal now)
• Trip planning. Plenty of time to get my two-week trip to Spain planned and organized a bit more
• Breaking in new shoes. My riding boots are the only comfortable shoes I own right now so there’s an excuse now to break in my new pair (YAY!)
• To help my ankle feel better, I need to massage it. Hey, I found a ton of random massage oils in my “lady drawer.” Clearly this is an opportunity to use them
• Catching up on current events. My PT exercises take about an hour each day to do. Plenty of time to watch the news and get more familiar with what’s going on (that’s not with the Colbert spin)
• Slow down. I tend to run about, going from one thing to another. And with having trouble walking, it’s forced me to really slow down. I won’t lie, I hate it. I hate asking my friends to walk slower or tell them to go ahead of me because I can’t walk that fast. Some have been nice about it, some haven’t, but maybe a little slower pace is what I need for me right now

That’s all I got for now. I start PT tomorrow (officially) and let’s hope I’m back up and moving soon.

Lately, I’ve been thinking about closure. Closure is a tough and funny thing.

The hardest part of closure is knowing that you’re closing one chapter (maybe one that you don’t want to end) and opening another, which is unknown, can be scary, and makes you vulnerable.

Especially when that closure comes from a decision that’s not yours.

When I know the end of something is upon me, I tend to have this overwhelming urge to hang on to what is there now and what was there in the past. Closure is the real end. Not the end where you think it’s done but have hope and a nagging feeling that lingers in the back of your mind. It’s the real end, where this person leaves and you know you won’t see them again and the promises of keeping in touch may actually just be a Band-Aid to make the news that much easier.

Closure is the real end where you are forced to really move on and not hold on to a baby, teeny, miniscule part of your brain that says, hey maybe things will work out. You never know?

You do know, now. And it won’t end the way you wanted it too.

Lately, I’ve been feeling a lot of emotions about closure. All of them sad, bittersweet and scared at the same time, and all of them make me wonder what is next.

And right now, I feel okay. Sad, but okay. And I’m letting myself feel that still now and for the next few days. And then, it will be time to slowly start to let go and look ahead to what is next.

Closure is a funny thing, because as much as it hurts, it has to be a sign that maybe you’ll be that much more free at the end.

I’ll preface this post by saying that it will be slightly dramatic because that is how I’m feeling today.

Since February, I’ve been training for a 5K through Chicago Endurance Sports. It’s been tough and challenging and I love it. It was also part of my 2013 goals and given me a lot of what I was looking for in this new test.

And now I have to stop, immediately. And, well, I’m pretty upset.

Over the weekend I started developing really bad heel pain, which I thought was part of just “learning to run.” Let me tell you, it is PAINFUL to learn a new sport sometimes.

Sunday, I ran through it, and it was excruciating. So, to be proactive, I went to a physical therapist for a free injury screening and am going again tomorrow for a second opinion.

And they told me exactly what I didn’t want to hear: Achilles tendinitis.

No running, excessive walking, or elliptical machines for a few weeks (depending on the level of pain). And when the pain does go away, I have to start over with running to slowly ease in to it again.

They may as well have cut my leg off. *dramatic*

That means, very likely no 5K at the end of April or, I definitely won’t be running all of it, which was my original goal. And with vacation in early May, I definitely can’t jeopardize it.

I’m crushed by this for several reasons. Running made me feel stronger and in shape. And now hearing that I have to stop everything altogether (minus some weight training), is upsetting.

I finally got in to a good rhythm and space and now I have to stop.

I hate my body and I’m trying to keep the negative, self-defeating thoughts away too.

So, I’m going to allow myself to be sad and upset, and then I will focus on getting better. Because I will not be in pain while on vacation. And I will NOT let this stop me.

I will run, I will do a 5K and I will run all of it.

But for now, there is still some disappointment and errant tears.

Last week, I read the latest post from the amazing Nicole over at A Life Less Bullshit and it got me thinking.

The post was called: It’s Okay to Not Be Okay

Seriously, this girl is in my brain. I highly recommend it.

But what got me thinking is about something I’m working on in my personal life. It’s okay to be….okay.

Last year, drama and upheaval tend to find me. From friends to boys to family to work, there seemed to be something that’s always going awry. It was exhausting and emotionally taxing and it felt like any time anyone asked me what was new, there was always something bad or wrong.

But now, I’ve been making some changes and I feel okay. And I’m trying to focus on being okay and enjoy it, rather than wait for the shoe to drop.

Work is good, health good (or getting back to good), mood is good, running is good, friends are okay, family is good overall things are good or okay.

And that’s okay!

After spending so many parts of 2012 a broken mess, I’m enjoying this feeling of balance.

Things may not always be okay and there may be bad days, but for now, I’m enjoying where I’m at. And hoping it continues.