First dates are my least favorite part of the dating process.

They are the inevitable dance of getting to know someone without revealing too much and being vague enough where you can decide if you would want to see that person again. Most of the time, the answer is “maybe.”

Here is usually how my first dates go:

• Anxiety about going and contemplating if I should cancel or postpone
• Review the person’s online dating profile to determine conversation topics for the evening
• Taking my time arriving at pre-arranged location so I’m not the first one there
• Commence awkward introductions/discussion of weather/transportation/parking to the location
• Review menus, smile and make very light talk while waiting for drinks to arrive
• *At this point, I get a sense if I will have to lead conversation a bit more or if he will*
• If I have to make conversation, I will initiate by asking something relative to items we’ve discussed by email and/or on his profile
• Conversation will continue
• Insert a few awkward pauses as one of us decides what else to discuss or if we should just call it a night
• Add in a few “bathroom breaks” which allow me to check my phone
• Evening ends, I walk to the bus or cab home, send a text to say thank you (if he paid) and delay deciding if I would see him again

This may sound cynical but I guess I’m not used to first dates going well.

Either way, a first date/drinks could be fun, a mess or just two hours of my life I won’t get back. Regardless, I’m giving it a try to keep me moving forward.

I don’t like starting over, starting fresh with someone I don’t know and putting in the extra work to try and see if “me” is someone he might be interested in. It would be easier to go back to the way things were, but there isn’t anything there anymore, so I have to start over.

But then again, drinks are just drinks and worst case, I make a quick escape and try again with someone else.

Whatever, let’s do this.

While I was home for the holidays, I logged on to my Ok Cupid app just to…look around.

I’m still spending some time in sad city/bummerland so my friends suggested I “get back out there” to try and take my mind off things.

I didn’t expect Prince Charming to appear, but when I was deleting old emails, I came across one that gave me a surprising reaction.

It said, “how is my future wife doing besides being her usual gorgeous self?

Cheesy emails like this are pretty standard but when I read it, my brain immediately said, NO THANK YOU.

Maybe I’m not ready for this.

After that email, I discussed with two single friends the amount of work/effort it takes to online date. We all hate it. Starting from the very beginning, the inevitable, awful first date, weeding through potential guys to see if there are any gems. It’s like a second job.

But one friend said some very true advice, “dating does suck but you have to just keep trying and put yourself out there. It won’t always work out but if you don’t try, time will just keep going by.”

Damn, that is SO TRUE.

Sometimes, I feel like I don’t want to date. I don’t want to try, I don’t want to put myself out there, I don’t want to get hurt again. But there is one thing that will make me get back out there: The feeling you have when you’re with someone you really like. I’m not ready to give up on that, but will get there, hopefully.

My friends give really good advice. Fact!

I guess there is no other way to say it.

I am bummed.

Why?

For the last few weeks/months I was spending time with someone. Someone I liked very much. Someone I liked more than I have liked someone in a while (boy-wise). Someone who gave me the butterflies/swoony feeling that made good friends ask what was going on because, well they knew my behavior was out of the ordinary. It was…awesome in a drive you crazy but make you happy way.

Now, that person is no longer in the picture.

And I am bummed.

Actually I’ll say it, I’m sad. And I can’t stop from feeling sad just yet.

That’s the thing about dating, it is a risk and can disappoint you. I’m there now, and it sucks.

I even debated posting this because I’m not doing this to drum up sympathy. Just saying how I’ve been feeling because I alluded to stuff going on before and then never said anything else. And, a few people who read this did know and I just don’t have the heart to tell them individually.

So I’ll be here in in bummerland/sad city for a bit and then, I’ll pick myself up and keep going.

For now, I’m just hoping tomorrow will be a bit better.

What what? That’s right, time for another edition of Single Girl Confidential, my super awesome joint project with the lovely Arielle. Let’s see, to date, we’ve posted about topics relevant to singles, such as honest online dating profiles, why being single makes me fat and my take on a recent Times’ Modern Love column.

So what’s next? Secret single behavior. Time to pull back the curtain to Oz and disclose some of my quirky behaviors that I will admit I do as a singleton but would not do in a relationship.

Alright, time to dish:

• Shoe fashion shows - I have a lot of shoes that I don’t wear. Mostly because of my flats preference, but sometimes, even when I’m wearing PJs, I put those sky high black suede pumps on and strut around the apartment. Literally, just strut. Like a pony
• Boy band dance parties/concerts – I love playing loud music when I cook or clean my apartment. And sometimes that turns in to a boy band dance party/sing-a-long with a nice tone deaf edge. NSYNC doesn’t sound any  better with a tone deaf screech
• Shower/clothing optional - Yeah, when you have no one to dress up for and if you’re only going out in your neighborhood, I dedicate a day to shower optional and make sure there is a little “level of clothing” optional time too. It’s healthy and reminds me why I need to keep working out :)
• Objectifying men – This is one of my favorites. To keep my mind sharp, I try to objectify at least one man a day. Sometimes, I have to double up if I’m working from home or can’t find someone good. And sometimes, my objectification is cleaner than others, depending on my mood. Also, if they smell good, I may lean in a bit to give them a sniff. Wasting a chance to sniff a nice smelling man is a terrible thing.

In hindsight, these seem a bit tame. Guess I’ll have to up my game. But before I go out on weekends or if I go out on a date, I do make sure my clothes are picked up because if someone is invited up and a bra is laying on the bed again, that’s not a good first impression.

Be sure to check out Arielle’s post too about her Secret Single Behaviors. One is really hilarious.

Single Girl Confidential signing off for now.

That’s right, Arielle and I are back with another edition of Single Girl Confidential! But this time, instead of talking about being single making us fat or making out with guys, we’re both sharing our POVs on a recent New York Times’ Modern Love column.

The column, can be found here, and I shared it with pretty much every single friend I could right after TKTC sent it to me.

Arielle, had a different opinion on the article (her post is here), but there were a lot of things in the article that I could connect with.

The article is about a woman in her 30s coming full circle in her lack of dating experience as a potential suitor asks, so when was your last relationship?

Recently, someone asked me that same question. And I didn’t lie, but I didn’t exactly answer. Because I was embarrassed.

Knowing this person was previously in a long-term relationship, I was embarrassed to admit that my last one (really, relationship of any kind) was not recent…at all. Plus, I was embarrassed that I don’t have much dating experience. And later, when I really thought about it, I realized how paltry it is.

Why feel embarrassed by this? Well, it’s the inevitable question the author and I were both asked once, “what’s wrong with you?”

The short answer: NOTHING.

But for a long time, I thought there was SOMETHING wrong with me. My friends regularly dated guys, but not me. To try and fix the unknown problem, I went through a long period of dyeing my hair various colors, cutting it to various lengths, losing/gaining weight, changing my personality, sampling with make up and nitpicking things in my life because clearly, ONE of these items was keeping me from meeting Mr. Right.

And after all of that, he still never arrived. As friends got engaged or married, I was single and they kept telling me, “it’s going to happen,” “you’re too studious,” “men are intimidated by strong, independent women.” But it didn’t make me feel better. Finding solace in single friends helped but in the end, the article said it best, “I still asked myself, “What’s wrong with me?”

And it was after reading this that I started re-evaluting a few other things. For one, I stopped watching the Millionaire Matchmaker and unfollowed Patti Stanger on Twitter. While I know she says/does things for effect, I realized that her main message is about changing yourself looks/personality-wise to be what men want, not necessarily what you want. Sure, a push is needed sometimes, but I just don’t connect with that message anymore.

After years of trying to be someone else, I’m comfortable being me. Petite, red haired, big boobed and hipped, slightly awkward and a little dating naive.

And if I meet a guy who can look past my poor dating resume and love me for me, I’m open to having him in my life. And if not, I’m just fine being single. That’s something I wish the author in that article would have said because there is NOTHING wrong with being single. At all.

So thank you Modern Love for letting me know that I’m not all alone out there.

Single Girl Confidential signing off for now.