Welcome to a new series from me and Arielle called Single Girl Confidential!

What is Single Girl Confidential?

It seems like everywhere you turn, another blogger is getting engaged, married, or otherwise settling down. Single bloggers are a dying breed, and we’re here to represent our unattached brothers and sisters. We aren’t picking our bridesmaids or stressing out over our DIY save-the-dates, but being single in a big city comes with its own host of issues. But let us be clear – we aren’t complaining about flying solo or hating on our married friends. In a world of infinite pressure to find The One, we’re speaking up on behalf of those who are single and loving it.

Being Single Makes Me Fat

When Arielle and I brainstormed this series, the first thing that came to my mind was the phrase, being single makes me fat.

What? How is that possible? First off, it’s a joke, but I see some rather (il)logical connections.

Sometimes, single women go in to “heat.” You have a surge of hormones or something that makes you want to make out with a guy. It is really a nasty condition because it tends to cloud your judgement, make you have to physically restrain yourself (at times) and occupy your mind until that need is met. This condition can last for a day or…months…depending on how strong the urge is.

TV, reading and even writing can distract you for a bit, but eventually, the judgement is gone and suddenly a non-related post you’re working on becomes random ramblings about wanting to just make out.

It’s kind of like being hungry and having not an ounce of food around you. Except, that’s where I find comfort when these devil feelings come over me.

So, to keep me from going to Wrigleyville and making an awful mistake at a bar like The Cubby Bear, I tend to throw food in my mouth rather than put my mouth on some poor man’s face. The ironic thing about being in heat? You don’t want to make out with just anyone, so it’s a slow form of torture if you don’t have a love interest.

Usually, my food drugs of choice are: candy (damn you sweet tooth), pastries (coffee cake) or beer, which actually makes it all worse because that’s when the dormant or tolerable “heat” feelings really fire up. So the thing you find comfort in, ends up making it worse. Cuts so deep.

And I know what you’re thinking, you’re an adult, you can control yourself and find other productive things to occupy your mind, like working out. I hear you, but I’m telling you, it is a temporary fix. Eventually, you re-surrender to those needs and your flirty comments with guys become a little more pointed or shy because your mind has moved to dangerous territory.

Know what fixes that? Bites of carby goodness like Munchkins, donuts, bread or a handful of chocolate so your hands aren’t grabbing someone’s shirt to make their mouth collide with yours.

In summary, my singleton heat cycle is: impure thoughts, eat, work out, eat to try to resist more impure thoughts, pray for it to be over.

And yes, once the need is met, you feel a wave of relief. Until it starts up again and I’m hitting the gym twice as hard and praying that my jeans don’t feel tighter.

Being single isn’t easy. And being in heat and wanting to make out doesn’t make me sad or pathetic, it makes me human.

Single Girl Confidential signing off for now.

It’s online dating season in Chicago and while teasing a colleague about it the other night, I found myself rattling off several “tips” for him if/when (more like when) he joins. It’s inevitable.

I’m not saying I’ve been “around the online dating block” but I kind of have. In the last few years, I’ve tried Ok Cupid, eHarmony and Match and while they are different, I’ve found a few common tips I would like to tell guys before they sign up, from a female perspective.

• Your profile photo should be of your FACE. Not your pecks, abs, crevice to your groin, apartment, pets or places you’ve visited (without you in them). Also, posting your wedding photos with the bride cut out shows you can commit but is also a little tacky. Seriously. But if your apartment is for rent, please note that in your profile
• Don’t be an a**hole when listing your age range. For example, if you’re 29, listing women ages 21-25 is kind of an a**hole thing to do. You want the DePaul undergrad? Really? Be a bit more open here, older women are not scary
• Don’t be all shy that you don’t know why you’re doing this. You know why. It’s either to find a girlfriend, get some a** or find a wife. Let’s just be honest, we’re all doing this for a reason
• Be honest in your profile but be aware. I believe in honesty and putting it out there, but there are creative ways to say it. For example, saying that you want to massage my foot before we go out (sweet but scary) or that you’re only interested in a woman who is sexually adventurous (three-way) may appeal to some but not to all. Just be aware of what you’re saying and who you might attract
• Don’t make the girl do all the work. Believe it or not, women have to work at online dating too. We don’t just sit around and wait for guys to message us. So while I may message you to go out, I still would like you to plan the date and pick where we go. If I’m doing all the work to set up the date, I’ll be doing all the work in that relationship. No thanks
• If you’re not interested, just say it. A friend was recently stood up by a guy she met online and it set me off in to a rage. If you’re not interested in going out for a first or second date, JUST TELL US. I’m not a mindreader, no woman is, and clearly, men aren’t either. Even if it’s a lame excuse, tell us rather than stand us up. It’s a p*ssy move and can still sting, even the strongest people

Phew, feels good to get that out there. I’m not saying girls don’t make mistakes in their profiles too but I thought I would put this out there for all the gentlemen to help increase their chances of meeting someone they might actually like and be compatible with.

Good luck men!

Anything I’m missing?

Now that I’ve got some more confidence to really date, I need to brush up on my online dating profile, which means…being creative with my words.

But before I can “sex” up that language, I need to write out what I really want to say.

Then Arielle had a brilliant idea to write a brutally honest online dating profile, one we would love to post but won’t. You can check hers out here. Below, is mine. Behold.

Name: Jessica B

Bio: Third time on online dating, hoping it’s the charm. Yes, I’m not using this to just scam for a** anymore, I’m actually looking to date someone I can stand and want to make out with, more than just on a random Friday or Saturday night.

I am a thirty-something professional in Chicago. I like movies, music, art, pop culture and food. Yes, I’m not a “go out to dinner and eat a salad” kind of girl. I am petite and curvy but also in pretty good shape. I work out regularly, don’t have a big neck but do like to flex a little bit in the mirror (who doesn’t?) I am a bit of a morning person (wink wink) but also like to stay out late. I’m not a hipster (more like a prep), I proudly own and wear madras and TOMS but like a reason to get dressed up every now and then.

I’m looking for a guy who can make me laugh. A guy who can make me laugh and loves food, turns me on. But if you’re a jerk and can still make me laugh, you’re not really halfway there. Also, I can also smell a**hole a mile away. I like a romantic, which means treating me like a piece of shit to get my attention, won’t work. And guess what, some cheesy pick up lines are appreciated. I like holding hands and even a little public PDA, I mean, I’ve had to watch cuddlers on the bus for long enough, it’s SOMEONE ELSE’S TURN. I’m not going to try to dry hump you in public or try to remove your tonsil with my tongue. And on the subject of dry humping, I’m not okay with it. The only thing I can do is lay there and pretend to enjoy it (which I don’t). I mean, denim on denim rubbing could start a fire, and not a good one.

I’m not going to discuss sex in this profile but I will say this, I tend to be dominant so just go with it, it’s not bad :)

I also have a tendency to do the following:

• Sniff babies heads (don’t worry, the moms are okay with it)
• Be klutzy
• Care too deeply about the people I love
• Shower daily

I am also attentive, but that doesn’t mean you can take advantage of me. As tough as I am, I have a soft heart so every now and then, a compliment would be appreciated, as long as you mean it. And for me, it is the little things that count. Everything doesn’t need to be a big grand sweeping gesture, something as small as making dinner, going with me to a movie you don’t want to see or doing something “just because,” goes a long way.

So that’s me in a nutshell. Message me if we have something in common or if you would like to talk more.

And I have a paper mache cat/rabbit that I made as a child, named Bubbles. I love her, we are a package deal.

Time to make this more guy-friendly and it’s ready to post! What have you always wanted to say in an online dating profile?

While hiking in Seattle last week, I had a thought, that didn’t revolve around food or cocktails (for once).

It started with thinking about a really bad rom com with Jim Carrey that came out a few years ago called Yes Man. Quick summary, it’s about a guy (Jim Carrey) who decides to open himself up to new possibilities by saying “yes” to everything. Really, you don’t need to rent it, it wasn’t that good.

But the general idea stuck with me.

I consider myself to be a pretty easy going person but in order to expand my dating horizons, I need to take a “just say yes,” approach.

That means, if a guy asks me out, I’m going to say yes. I’m not going to second doubt it or look for reasons to say no. If he’s nice, seems sincere and I’m interested, I’ll say yes. No more “screening” phone calls to see if I’m “meet in public worthy.” I’m horribly awkward on the phone so that’s working against me already. Instead of turning down something that could be, well, something, I’m going to just give it a try.

So that’s my plan. Just say yes. Whether it’s to coffee, drinks or even just a walk to talk more. What do I have to lose?

And I need to be better about telling guys I’m interested in that I want to get together too. Yes, the archaic woman in me is still hesitant to do so, but now, I need to grow my own pair of dating balls and just go for it. Fortunately, I have my patented JB-way to deal with rejection without breaking a sweat. I mean, their loss right?

Why this sudden go-getter attitude with guys if I’m content solo? To be honest, this is the first time I feel ready to receive someone’s attention and affection.Two years ago, I met a nice guy who was genuinely interested in me, and I pushed him away because I couldn’t “hear” his comments that I was beautiful and fun to be with. I wasn’t ready then, but I feel ready now.

Of course, I’m not 100% convinced there is a Mr. Right out there for me, but while I keep living my solo life, if I find someone I’m interested in (and who feels the same), I’m ready to make room and time for him too.

Clear eyes, full hearts…CAN’T LOSE.

Are you a “just say yes” kind of person toward something in your life?

That’s right, no more kiddie pool, time to head to the deep end. Kidding, sort of.

During my weekend pedicure, the Millionaire Matchmaker was on TV (could not avoid it) and Patti made a comment that made me think. If you make love a priority, love will come to you. I don’t totally believe that but it’s not a secret that in the battle of dating vs. work in my life, work seems to win pretty consistently. So maybe there is some truth to that.

Her comment made me think about putting love and dating a little more at the forefront, which means, I have to be open to dating guys that might not be my…type.

Being in my early 30s, there comes a new reality of dating. I may date men who are divorced, men who have kids and men who are still in their 20s. And dating men in their 20s when you are not 20-something anymore feels…weird.

Now that I’m in a new decade, I’m trying to be more open minded and not let the (potential) age difference feel like a barrier. Friends (including guys) tell me that age isn’t a big deal, but they’re still in their 20s, I’m not. So is that easier said than done?

I’ve also had one (or more) friends say that I have a checklist of qualities I want in a guy. This isn’t a bad thing (e.g. no criminals) but in order to open up the dating pool, I need to be a little more flexible.

But in the spirit of being more open I still need to be logical. Recently, I completely misread a situation with a guy and interpreted conversations as flirting and interest, instead it was friendship. DAMN YOU FRIEND CARD. That realization was a bummer, but, it was that spark (or my interpreted spark) that got me thinking about this again. So that’s not a total loss.

What about you? Did you date outside of your “type?” If so, how did you know where to be flexible?