06 January 2014

New Years Do Over

By: Jessica B.
Tagged: Random

In case you haven’t heard, the weather in the Midwest has been pretty crazy over the last two weeks. Warm! Snow! More snow! Then FREEZING TEMPS! Basically it’s like an extreme weather disaster movie around here, or it feels like we’re being set up for one.

So with that, I’m filing an application to get a “do over” on 2014.

I set pretty loose but direct goals for 2014, things I want to do to better myself professionally, personally and perhaps romantically, and while we’re only six days in to the new year, it’s gotten off to a little bit of a bumpy start.

This insane weather has kept me holed up in my apartment for several days (yes, some working), but that’s way too much time to keep someone like me indoors and limited in activities.

That means, when I get bored and/or need a break from Sons of Anarchy episodes, I tend to think and obsess about stuff. It’s a bad habit. And the last few days of living in my head and marinating myself in feelings have made me go absolutely crazy, and set me back a bit in some of my 2014 goals.

Now, tomorrow is supposed to be -34 with the wind chill in the morning, but I’m basically forcing myself to go to work (when we could work from home) because a) I cannot stop snacking b) I NEED TO BE AROUND PEOPLE and c) I cannot be in my house anymore. Even with a cute work station set up and dedicated couch-time lunch break, I need to get back in to a routine after a rough holiday season and start to feel like me again.

So, if you see me out and about tomorrow bundled in a scene not too unlike this from A Christmas Story, and dancing around to keep blood flowing, just beep and wave hi, I’m good.

Let’s start 2014 again shall we?

01 January 2014

2014

By: Jessica B.
Tagged: Random

Happy New Year!!!!!!!!!!

I hope you all had a wonderful holiday and celebration last night (in whatever form you like).

Last New Years Day, I wrote a post titled 2013, which was painful, but needed. Today, I re-read that post, cried and wanted to hug the woman I was then because I see now how broken and unhappy she was. How badly she needed to make changes in her life, and was holding on to hope that she could do it because if not, I don’t know what would have happened to her.

Fast forward one year later, and also in re-reading that post, I see how far I’ve come since then.

2013 was all about change and fortunately, that happened, but still with some low points (and high ones too!)

Highs: Running, completing two 5Ks, an 8K and 10K, Spain, Germany and Ireland, getting a new assignment at work that has been really positive so far

Lows: Running-related injuries that were painful (and expensive), some work items and depression, which I finally talked about here.

And unfortunately, that depression (although not as bad as it was a year ago), has woven itself through some of those highs, rattling my cage a bit and testing the strength I was trying to re-develop. And sometimes, it still does rattle me, but I have ways that I’m proactively addressing it, instead of letting it knock me down and threaten to swallow me whole again.

After sharing here what happened more than a year ago, I got an email from a friend, who said, that in recovering from depression, the pieces of who you were never fully fit back together again.

That is true. But that’s not necessarily a bad thing.

My theme last year was to “get back to me.” Well, I can’t fully get back to the way I was because you never really are the same anymore. So rather than focus on “feeling like me,” I’ve started with feeling….okay.

And right now, I am. I feel content, happy, challenged, healthy (minus the two giant cinnamon rolls I just ate) and strong. Sure, I still have days of being sad, or frustrated, but I have other things in my life now that help me refocus. It’s not always perfect, but it’s something.

So 2014 is all about continuing those changes and continuing to be true to me and what I want.

Happy 2014!!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

10 December 2013

Putting Yourself In A Time Out

By: Jessica B.
Tagged: Random

Just because I’m an adult, doesn’t mean I act like it all of the time.

I have my moments of being pissed off, frustrated, emotional or just in a shitty mood. And I’ve found an effective way to deal with it.

A time out.

Oh yes, they’re not just for children anymore.

I didn’t receive many time outs (or any?) as a child, but I am a HUGE fan of them when I get in a “mood” as an adult.

This means I just take a break from everything going on around me and have quiet time to think and get my attitude adjusted stat.

For example, Saturday, I was in the shittiest mood, OMG. I was pissy, wanting to fight, frustrated and just like, fed up with everything. And I knew I was being a total bitchy brat and wanted to just like, vent. A few friends got my ranting text messages about how pissed I was, and they were supportive, but ultimately that didn’t help my mood and I knew, I need to put myself in a time out.

So I went to a donut shop in Chicago, Glazed and Infused (it’s amazing), and got TWO donuts and a large coffee. And then I sat there and thought about why I was pissed, and then read my Kindle for 45 minutes in quiet and just turned off my brain and relaxed. And it felt amazing. I was in a much more calm mood after and ready to tackle the rest of the day.

But a time out doesn’t always have to mean sweets. Sometimes, I just lock myself in a room at the office and get stuff done, or I go home and just turn off all social media, phones, etc. and just relax and watch TV or listen to music. It’s just at time to turn off your brain and just chill the fuck out.

I’m a huge fan and support others doing this too. You can laugh, but it works!

20 November 2013

Humble thanks

By: Jessica B.
Tagged: Random

There really isn’t a full post today, but more of a thank you.

The feedback and response to my last post was really overwhelming, in a good way.

The comments, calls, texts, likes, etc. really meant a lot and reassured me that putting it out there to the internet (knowing family and coworkers read it) doesn’t have to be scary.

Depression is something I’ve battled on and off for a long time. And it took a really dark period, where I didn’t know if I would get out of it, and wondered if I would give in to the bad things I wanted to do, in order to really speak about it and tell people what happened.

For a long time, I thought I had to do things on my own. That I shouldn’t bother my friends with problems or ask for help because it’s a sign of weakness. And this was another good reminder that I don’t have to do that. That I have people in my life that care and are there to help when I need it. But, I have to also take that step forward sometimes to ask.

I hope I never fall back in to the depression that almost swallowed me whole once, but, if things get tough, I know now who I can go to for help, and who will be there to listen.

Thank you again. JB

 

13 November 2013

One Year

By: Jessica B.
Tagged: Random

It has been a year.

And the truth is, I don’t know how to commemorate it. And I don’t know how to talk about it, other than just say, hey, here’s what happened. I look back at what things were like a year ago and see how far I’ve come, but also how much more I have to go still. And that’s not necessarily a bad thing.

I feel more solid now, still shaky and unsure about some things, but more stable. More in tune with what lead to it happening, and why I acted the way I did after.

Vague enough?

Last year at this time, I feel in to a bad depression. One where the anger and frustration that I tried to keep a lid on, imploded, and it took me under.

And I could not get out of it.

I didn’t want to hurt myself, but I knew something was wrong when I stared in the mirror and wanted to cut off all of my hair. And then, I went to an event with friends, drank too much and the feelings that pulled me under tried to come out and led to me getting completely out of control.

And that whole time, I never asked for help. Or told anyone. Because I was embarrassed and scared that they wouldn’t help me. And when I finally could/did tell them, some were more supportive than others. It was a huge learning experience.

And I finally did get out of it, but it’s taken a long time to come back to feeling like me, and do things to keep that from (hopefully) happening again.

One year later, one year better.

So, I don’t know how to close off comments in WP, so they’re open but the reason I shared this is part of my new blogging policy about honesty, both good and bad. So hopefully you guys will be supportive too.

 

YOU’RE ON NOTICE!

  • Early holiday decorations (not before Thanksgiving!)
  • Muffin tops (not the bakery-kind)
  • Bar Louie restaurant
  • Laundry machine hogs
  • County sales tax (10.25 percent - come on!)
  • Michael Scott
  • Harry & David
  • Chicago meteorologists